Step into the light of Grace

It’s been a year that I have stepped away from here.

A lot has happened…

“You’re shattered,
Like you’ve never been before…
The life you knew…
In a thousand pieces on the floor,
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees…
You think you’re never gonna get back to the you that used to be…”

Lyrics from Danny Gokey’s song Tell your heart to beat again.

The last I wrote was about the news of me receiving my surgery date, and that my family had experienced the loss of a dear family friend.

I would like to tell you it was only up from there, but I can’t…

In the midst of happiness of getting a date for my hysterectomy finally I was struck with heartache, both for the sudden loss of an amazing man, dear friend, and then to witness my dear friend, his wife face life without him.  I had witnessed such love between the two of them, both being such bright lights in this world, and now the world got a bit darker, and I found myself walking around saying “this can’t be real…”  But it was, and all I knew was that I wanted to be there for her as she has been there for me.

One thing I have learned about myself is that I feel big feelings, probably because I was starved of affection growing up, but all I know is when I love my friends, I love deeply, and when they are in pain, my heart carries it.  And this woman, put it this way, she was there for me when I stepped out into the unknown, moved from a city I had lived in for over fifteen years, and when my family landed in this one, she was my soft place that I landed, her kind smile, reassuring words, compassion, understanding, and she showed me hope, without even realizing it.  

So in the middle of all of this grief I had to get ready for my surgery.  The day came and I was at peace, total complete peace, which for me was a miracle, normally I fret and worry, but as they led me into the operating room I felt complete peace, God’s presence was almost tangible, I stepped up on the steps to ly down, the nurses were so kind, all I could see was their eyes because of their masks, but they brought me comfort.  My surgeon came over to speak with me before I went under and I said to her…

“Thank you for helping me, and for hearing me when I was suffering so much.”

To which she replied…

“You deserve to be free of this, no one should suffer like this.”

Then the anesthesiologist said to me she was going to give me something to relax but not put me out just yet, I said ok, and then the next thing I remember was waking up in recovery, being told that everything went well.

I stayed in the hospital for three days, and God met me there, and some amazing things happened, but for now I will move on because there is much to talk about in regards to this past year, I will write again in more depth about it in another entry. 

Time went on, my 44th birthday approached in November, and I noticed my childhood best friend had fallen silent, no birthday wishes, and then the discovery that came like a gut punch that still remains now.

She had died.  I had spoken to her three days prior…she was on her way to work at 7am, and the car on the other side of the road hit a deer, and the deer came across and killed her.

I found myself, hand over my mouth preventing myself from screaming in grief sobbing uncontrollably.  I have no words to explain how I felt, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t understand how or why or anything…she was there for me in the dark years, she saw me, really saw me, she knew, witnessed first hand what I went through back then, and now she was gone.

Guilt rushed in fairly quickly, she at the time was living in a different province, and I had kept saying we should make a point to see each other but that time never came, and now it never will.

During this I started seeing a therapist, I was dealing with hormones and perimenopause, and loss, and digging into my childhood, and now this.  So much trauma, so much loss.  I felt like I was drowning.

I held tightly to my faith, never being angry with God, but I cried out to Him many times, asking why or asking Him to free me from this heartache, to bring me comfort, to bring me peace like I felt when I walked into the operating room. 

All of this was just so much, so much pain, loss, it was almost suffocating me.  My body was different, the hormones were out of wack, I was physically well now, it had been so long, but mentally, and emotionally I was wrecked.  Panic attacks snuck in at random moments, it scared me, my hands would tremble, tears would come, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and logically I did not understand why or what was making me have these crippling attacks.

I would try to extend myself grace, obviously I had been through some hard things, but still I was bewildered as to why.

I would come to my computer, and attempt to write here, but I just couldn’t, tears would well up and I just couldn’t.  Writing my blog had brought me such a release before, but I couldn’t bring myself to write.

I was holding on a little too tightly to those around me, especially my boys, I would make sure I was up to see my eldest off to work, to make sure he knew I loved him before he left, I would constantly be checking in with my youngest, worrying about his mental health, and always making sure he was ok…My best friend here was going through life changes and it took her away for a bit and I found myself losing it worried I was losing her, just like everyone else in my life, it was a chaotic storm, and I was drowning.

And then just as He always does, God found a way to show me what was going on.

Through my therapist oddly enough…

In discussing everything, we looked at my childhood, and I was alone, alot, and it was never my choice, it was a result of my abuse and neglect.  And then when I became a young adult and stepped into the light and found some pretty amazing genuine people I realized loneliness is a choice, and it was taken from me for years, but now I didn’t have to be alone anymore.  I had a “family” now, and remember I feel things in a big way.  

So when loss hit me this past year, my perspective shifted, it should of shifted to seeing that I need to be more intentional with those around me, and nurture those relationships, but instead I did that but I went into overdrive, fear was at the helm and it was almost crippling me in the process emotionally.  Desperation kicked in, and I was trying to hold onto all who I loved so tightly I lost sight of what was important.

First, God wanted me to remember, honor, and grieve those I lost yes.

Secondly, I needed to realize and accept I had no real control here, these people around me that I was holding on to so tightly, I had no real power or control in whether they would be ok, or not.  If they were to go away, or pass away, I had no say in that, as painful as that feels to say.

My perspective and focus had to be corrected.  What did I have control over really?

Well, I exchanged me worry for prayer, and thankfulness.  Yes, I became more intentional with the people around me that I love, but more importantly I was thankful that I had them in my life at all.  And when I started changing my thinking in those terms then I didn’t feel like I was drowning anymore.

Grief is still present, it comes in waves, some waves are more intense than others, but now I am not sent into an intense desperation state.

And just when I was getting an understanding of all of this, life dealt me another hard hand.

My cat of 15 years health went on the decline, and it went down fast, my little buddy, my girl, was suffering. In a home full of boys it was refreshing to have her in my life.  When I couldn’t sleep, when I was recovering after surgery she was there laying at my side.  

Now my family was faced with another hard decision, well emotionally hard. I think logically we all knew what the next step was, but our hearts were at war with our minds.

All I had to do was look into her eyes, and I knew it was time for mercy to be given.

My husband and I took her into the vet, and I held her like a baby in my arms as she drew her last breath, the vet telling me we did her a kindness, we showed her love in the biggest way.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Coming home was not easy, her absence has been felt, and yes I am sad, grieving the loss, but now there is a layer of saving grace where I feel sad but then I feel thankful I had her in my life when I did.

When that gut punch come back about my childhood best friend, the wind doesn’t get knocked out of me anymore, I remember her smile, her encouragement, her excitement for me finally being free from all the nasty bondage of pain from my past, and I feel so blessed and thankful that I got to have her in my life at all, that God made sure I had a light in that darkness.

And when I am with my dear friend who lost her husband, yes we feel his absence, but I feel so honored I got to witness his kindness, and their love for each other.  I feel so thankful for her and that we have become closer, and that I get to see where life takes her next in this new chapter.  

It’s a funny thing really, I am going through this season of loss, and grief, and at the same time I feel more content and happy with where I am at with my life right now.  The thankfulness washes over the pain, and brings peace.

I am just now feeling like I can take a step forward, and even though I am carrying two emotions, it doesn’t feel heavy anymore, it is surreal really, I can’t explain it, which those who know me well know I never fall short of words.

So much is on the horizon for me at the moment, I am finally going to share my testimony publicly, sharing how God’s faithfulness has saved me, and how His grace has taught me.  

The trails are calling my name, I am well enough now where I can return when it warms up outside a bit more, I get teary eyed just thinking about returning finally.

I’m approaching my 23rd anniversary with my husband, and after everything him and I have walked through I feel like we are stronger now than ever before, not naive though, we are human, and fall short, but we have the Father as our support so we can’t help but feel invincible with that knowledge.

My journey of self discovery and wellness continues, God is peeling back the layers and I am facing each one with patience and grace.

I am still working on learning to love myself more, as I heal from certain things and get a better understanding of other things it is becoming easier to embrace what makes me me.

It has been a heavy year, hard emotionally, but growth sometimes isn’t easy to endure.

I am thankful He is patient with me, gracious in times where the chaos is drowning me, and loving when I remember to fix my eyes back on Him, as they were too focussed on the crashing waves around me before.

“Let every heartbreak and every scar be a picture that reminds you who has carried you this far, ‘cause love sees farther than you ever could, and in this moment Heaven’s working everything for your good…”

Lyrics from Danny Gokey’s song Tell your heart to beat again.

Praising in the Storm

It’s been a while, alot has happened in the inbetween for me.

I sit here now and a finally I can say a countdown has begun for me.

To what?

5 days ago I received the most beautiful awaited e-mail ever, with the title ACTION REQUIRED in the subject line.

It was from my gynecologist office with a proposed surgery date!

Of course I said yes, 1000% YES!

June 20th is my day, my sweet divine day…

Seeing that title in the subject line was providence…

A warm rush of unbelievable happiness flooded over me, and the tears fell in thanksgiving, and relief.

I, after I responded of course to confirm the date, stood up raising my hands in excitement, and started yelling “it’s go time, it’s go time!” over and over and ran into my bedroom yelling this phrase over and over again, my husband who as already awake just laughed with confusion, he was able to settle me down for a moment to get out my, well our glorious news, then I burst from our room into my son’s room and woke him up yelling with joy…and then I ran back to my computer to double check the e-mail again, feeling like it was too good to be true, but it still was!

There was a reason and a small backstory why for my elevated joy, that my husband, and son were unaware of…

The day before I was reflecting the past 2+ years of waiting, and I kept remembering what the secretary told me, she said “make sure you look for ACTION REQUIRED in the subject line, then you will know it’s go time…”  sitting there remembering that my hopes were up, and I was like no I need to focus, Father YOUR will not mine, and after I said that all I heard was Him saying:

“…prepare yourself….”

And even then I was like okay but in YOUR timing, not what my flesh wants…and then the next morning I got the e-mail!!!

So no I shouldn’t of been shocked that He worked like that but wow! 

I was ready and willing to wait however long He wanted me to, I have had friends not understand that, but I was at peace with the waiting, I had and still have my moments but I was at peace knowing He was the one paving the road before me, and that He knew what was best for me.

If this had happened 2+ years ago I wouldn’t of had the support team I have now in my life, I wouldn’t have the incredible church family I have now, and I would not have the spiritual growth and maturity that God has given me in the many lessons in the waiting…

I entered into a Winter season, to look at me when this all started, I was frail, pale, weak, almost completely bed bound at times because of my anemia, my church home I had had for 8 years turned their backs on me and my family, and that brought me to a very dark place, and there I found myself at a crossroads, I was tired, down right exhasted, fists clenched tight, my heart trying to harden, bitterness was trying to take root, and HE gave me a choice…

“Come with me and my grace will be sufficient enough, I will sustain you, there will be a lesson in the waiting…

OR let the bitterness take root and walk away from Me, I can not go with you there, and it will be your undoing….”

I chose to unclench my fist at that moment, my heart surrendered, butterness fled, and I made a decision to stay with Him, to lift my hands in Praise no matter how bad the pain could get, no matter how long He wanted me to wait…

“Even if it breaks me, I’ll go where you take me!”

Lyrics from Jeremy Camp’s song ‘Better’.

And I haven’t looked back since.

With my surrender, it opened me up to allow God to move within my life, and the harvest from that has been plentiful.

Not only have I done things in the inbetween like meeting Jeremy Camp, or going to musicals that I only ever dreamed of, I have worked on my past trauma, allowed God to work in me to deliver me from some horrible hurts from my past.  I went from suriviving to thriving in the midst of the storm, He taught me how to dance in the rain!

And He reminds me when I feel overwhelmed where I have come from to where I am now, that a few raindrops are nothing compared to the storms He has walked with me through.

Joy…

That’s the feeling, complete joy, I sit here even now, my abdomen is on fire but the joy I hold inside right now surpasses it completely. 

He loves me so much that He has taken the time, the effort, and crafted my whole journey according to HIS will, and all it has ever taken was for me to surrender.

And how He took the care to place people along my way, to care, comfort, support, and pray for me…

“That’s why when mountains move, I say, looks like somebody prayed”

Lyrics from David Crowder’s song ‘Somebody Prayed’.

…it isn’t lost on me, everything, and everyone who has been there, who has obeyed God, who listened to His will, and assisted me in some form, and moving forward this continues…

So the countdown has started….

….59 days….

He said “prepare yourself”

And that won’t be done by me alone, I know what I have now, who I have now, and it is time to get ready, and He prepares the way…

…He prepares the way even through heartache…

…sigh…

…which shortly after I got this wonderful divine news, heartache hit my family like a tidal wave…

…such a joyous Easter weekend, and all that it represents, and darkness befell on my home, and shook us to the core, we went from the mountain top back down to the valley…

…but I kept my promise…

Even though I mourned, I lifted my hands up in Praise, thankful for the life that was, and that that life had crossed mine, that my family had been blessed with such kindness, such sunshine, that I got to witness such love…

And even though the world is a bit dimmer now, we are overwhelmed with thanksgiving by God’s grace, mercy, and His unwaivering light and the knowledge that IT never goes out!

I honor that life now by rejoicing in my joy, for they would want that, and I will continue to be kind, warm, supportive, and loving as they were.

They were a beautiful example of what love should look like, true kindness, and how it should be played out day to day, and I will never forget them, and the beautiful impact they had on my life and my family’s.

The week ahead holds some heavy things for me and my family still, but we are not alone, and no matter what we will Praise Him in the storm!

“…sometimes He calms the storms in our lives, and sometimes He just rides them with us, either way Blessed be the God who gives and takes away…”

Said by Mark Hall lead singer of Casting Crowns

One Day

“C’mon and lift your voice with me, He is worthy of all our praise.”

Lyrics from Brooke Ligertwood’s song Bless God

It has been a while, about three months in fact…

I’ve been in the inbetween, and at times struggling to keep my head above water, but in all of it I have not lost my focus, and that focus is on my Father in Heaven, unfixed eyes have only brought me chaos in the past.

Now some might say…oh she has all her crap together now does she?  Absolutely not!  I have a better perspective now more than ever, a clear understanding of what has been, and what is coming down the line, and trust has been my pillar when it comes to the journey from point A to point B.

After my last post I continued to have my cycle (that’s putting it nicely) for the nexr two plus months, my body grew weaker each day, this procedure at the end of October was suppose to alieviate all that nonsense but to my dismay it didn’t.  Sigh…

Blood work showed and still shows that my iron levels are at an all time low, my anemia is severe and talks of a blood transfusion are floating around…

I have discovered in these past months I have numerous large fibroids as well, and Marh 3rd we finally discuss my preop for a full hysterectomy!

It’s been alot, so much at times, between the pain, the constant cycle, the fatigue it would of been easy to lose hope, but I never did, I couldn\t afford to… in fact now more than ever I hang on to the Father tightly!

“Bless God when the weapon’s forming!
Bless God when the walls are falling!
Bless God ’cause He goes before me!
Every chance I get, I’ll bless Your Name!”

Lyrics from Brooke Ligertwood’s song Bless God

I was asked a while ago if I ever ask God why? 

And the answer was simple…

No, not anymore, not for a very long time, it does not serve me well at all, it would steal any joy I have, take any hope I hold on to, I do not know His plan in this, and although I have days where my body is shaking in agony, I lay completely fatigued in bed, tears streaming down my face, I still lift my hands and praise Him, and I trust the Father who gives and take away…

I hold on to His promises, His Grace is sufficient enough for me, and one day either here on in heaven I will be free of this…ONE DAY!

I am currently taking part in a women’s study with my church, “God on Mute” by Peter Grieg, it talks about coping with unanswered prayer, and it has been fruitful for me.  There is a quote that is used that is:

“Grace groweth in Winter.”

It struck me, even more so Peter Greig and Gemma Hunt discussed why it is best to plant trees in Autumn, because during the Winter it gives the tree time to focus more on the root system, to make it deep and rich in health, so when Spring comes it has the best chance to thrive.

I am in my Winter season right now, I get it, Him telling me there is a lesson in the waiting, to thrive still, to learn in the inbetween, I am being stretched, but I am growing, maturing, my roots were and are in much need of nourishment, and I can see the fruit alreasy being harvested in my life, even before my Spring has arrived.

See I might of mentioned before in a previous post that about two years ago when “all hit the fan” I made a choice, I could either lay in bed day after day, allow a root of bitterness to take root inside of me, harden my heart, and give up, OR I could dance in the rain with God, lift my hands in praise no matter what life throws my way…

And I chose dancing!  I have learned it is okay to rest, to stop, I don’t have to do it all, and I have also learned to give myself grace, that I will have my moments, those tough moments, where I will feel the pull to spiral into dark depression, and in those fleeting moments I call out in the form of simply saying…ONE DAY!

And sometimes I have to say it over and over again, it reminds me of HIS promises, it reminds me I am not alone, and it also vocally alerts my husband that I am struggling and need prayer. 

It has been a great help for me, those two words, sometimes it feels like as I say them I am mentally reaching out for the Father’s hand, or just refixing my focus on Him, on what matters, because His grace is and has been sufficient for me.

I have been told I am strong for this, my hope is people will see it has nothing to do with my strength at all but HIS and HIS alone…

He provides me with exactly what I need.

In my bible study the one week someone speaking said something that struck me once again…

“Jesus just didn’t die on the cross for us, but He suffers alongside with us.”

Meaning currently, right now, as we suffer, as we struggle, He is right there alongside me suffering as I suffer.  I mean I knew He didn’t like us suffering, and it pained Him, but hearing that perspective really changed my perception of my current situation, and although I know and knew I wasn’t alone, I’m really not alone, He knows what it is to be in agony, to have His heart crying out so deperately that He sweat blood in the garden before His crucifixtion, He above all others undertands me, my pain, and suffers alongside me, and does so because He loves me?…YES!

And with that beautiful unconditional love comes grace, mercy, and a promise that I will not have to suffer alone, or forever…whether it be here on the other side in heaven…ONE DAY I’ll be free, so I will never lose hope!

So until ONE DAY comes, I will dance in the rain, I will lift my hands and praise Him, I will learn everything He wants me to, I will give myself grace when needed, space to rest, to grow with Him, and I will never abandon the hope that He has gifted me…

…because…

ONE DAY!

“Come on and bring your offering,
Sing if you’ve known His grace,,
Come on and lift up your holy hands
He’s worthy of all our praise!”

Lyrics from Brooke Ligertwood’s song Bless God

Preparing

It has been a while…so much going on in my life…

So many tests, exams, biopsies, and new doctors in my life…

And the whole time I am desperately hanging on to the Father, the only thing I am sure of, my constant…

He doesn’t stop growing me, stretching me in these times…

Sigh…

As I am getting answers about my health, slowly might I add. 

He is teaching me…

…”there is a lesson in the waiting”…

I’ll say!

They have discovered that I have a blood disorder, where my red blood cells are too small, and there is not enough of them, so my body works harder, my heart pumps harder to try to produce enough to do simple things like keep my arms and legs warm…

It is not a life threatening disorder, a simple blood transfusion or bone marrow transplant in the future might be needed but I have lasted this long just fine…

…this all brings light to me understanding my childhood a bit more, since I have had this disorder since birth, well it explains some things let’s just put it that way…

…and the cyst I had on my right ovary has shrunk by 50%, but through another test they found a 8.5 cm in diameter fibroid inside my uetrus, so the easy hysterectomy I could of had is now out of question, the old fashion way awaits me in the new year…sigh…it is what it is I suppose…

…and to top it all off they discovered 8 years ago when they removed my gall bladder that they caused a nerve entrapment in my chest, and that is why I always feel like I am being stabbed through my chest always…sigh…

You know it is funny the other day I was talking to my best friend and I said wouldn’t it be neat if I wrote out all the tests and procedures I have been through these almost 2 years…

…and then I actually did, and it was a full page and a half…

Now one could get angry at the sight of those papers, and I was tempted trust me, and the feeling of overwhelm swept across me, but then God’s grace and peace washed over me…

…and I was reminded it took Moses 40 years to get to the promise land, and he didn’t even get to go in, all that waiting, strife, that long journey, where God stretched him, taught him…

I get to “go in”, I get to be set free from alot of this pain that I have been enduring…

Before I had concrete answers I was confronted with questions…

What if it never gets better?

What if I need to suffer for the rest of my life?

What if I am being called to witness through my condition?

Can I be okay with that? I mean really okay?

I cried thinking through all those questions, my flesh crying out in desperation, not wanting to suffer anymore, so exhausted from it all…

Then I heard Jeremy Camp’s new song again called “Better”…

As I listened the lyrics struck my heart…

“If I never understand,
Or ever see the promised land…
If You don’t answer my questions,
On this side of Heaven,
I’m gonna trust the way You work,
When You don’t rush to heal the hurt,
My heart’s still Yours forever,
Even if it never gets better…”

It just became so clear to me…and then…

“So if You give or if You take, I will let You lead the way,
Even if it breaks me…I’ll go where You take me!“

Of course the answer is yes…

…but I don’t have to, not much longer anyways…

So I plan and prepare for my surgery, mentally, emotionally, and physically…

And just when I feel like I am good to go, He stretches me, and reveals something I must face once more…

Last night my husband and I were in deep conversation about the future, and what my recovery will look like, and he made an innocent suggestion…

…for me to sleep closer to the bedroom door during my recovery…

Those words left his mouth and in an instant I felt dread over my heart, and tears started, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, all I felt was fear…

…immediate flashbacks from my past as a child flooded my mind, right back to the moments I had felt this feeling before…

My husband was not surprised by my reaction, he was actually more prepared than I was…

See my childhood bedroom was right next to the stairs, my door did not close fully, it merely swung open…I suffered much abuse as a child, none actually in my bedroom, but I would never go right to sleep at night, I would lay there in fear waiting for my parents to go to bed, first my Mother, and then my Step Father…it did not matter how late he went to bed, I lay there waiting, covers pulled up over my head, waiting to hear his heavy footsteps on the stairs, the loud creak at the top, and then I’d hold my breathe as he walked by my room, I would listen for his movements in their room, hear the radio be put on quietly, and then hear the bed creak as he got into it…

…then after a while I would allow myself to go to sleep…

I lived like that for years, even after I became an adult, even after I was married, and had my first child…

To top it all off, even though we lived in the country we had a fire escape, and the door was in my room!  They would joke all the time and tell me to be careful someone might come and get me in my sleep, my step sisters would tease me too, this just added to my fear, my terror…

My bedroom was extremely small too, an L shape, about 12 feet by 12 feet, not very big at all…I remember I would check the locks always on that fire escape door….sigh…

I always have told people that I share my past with that when other kids were scared of the monster under the bed, I was scared more of my parents…

So as my husband and I sat there, me crying, going into a panic attack all of this flooded to the surface, and I was not ready for it at all…

I cried out to him, explaining what I could, and he understood the things I couldn’t even articulate…

…like why the intensity of my fear goes up as we discuss me being closer to that door, he knows what that means for me without me even saying it, he knows and understand the terror that comes across me at that thought, of that possibility, and he is willing to face it with me…

Just when I think my past is just that…..past…

God reveals…

He takes the time to teach me a new lesson…

He begins to stretch me again…

Am I willing?

“Take it all,
Every part of me, everything I’ve been, all I’m gonna be,
Take it all,
On my knees again, with my open hands, everything I am,
Take it all!”

Lyrics from Jeremy Camp’s song ‘Take it all’.

Metamorphosis

“I’ve screamed into the silence, and all I heard was doubt,
I’ve prayed to see the sunshine, but the rain kept coming down,
I’ve wrestled with the concept that Your plans are always good,
‘Cause half the time it doesn’t go the way I think it should…

…but You know things I never could…”

Lyrics from Better by Jeremy Camp

Well it has been quite the journey these last 18 months.  Questions, answers that pose more questions, and waiting, alot of waiting…

“There is a lesson in the waiting…” He said…and there has been, but I have had my moments, and He has had grace for me in those moments.

To which I am thankful for…

…those moments are getting longer in between, to which I am greatful…

…friends call me brave, strong, courageous even, but it has nothing to do with me, it is a daily acknowledgement and surrender to the Father, throwing my hands up not in anger, but in complete acceptance and surrender of my current situation…

I have to make myself do this every single day, and sometimes I have to do it minute by minute, regardless I have to do it or the physical pain, the outside worlds white noise gets too loud and it all becomes too much for me and that is when I lose focus, I get distracted, and I am shaken, and it is in that moment I have noticed that I have a faster bounce back time, progress, I remind myself what my focus needs to be, and everything quiets down around me…

…I know it is at that time that the Father is carrying me and showing me grace, love, and mercy.

So what have I been doing in the inbetween?

Living!

This past 18 months although incredibly challenging, it has been my most fruitful harvest ever! 

Prayers answered, beautiful experiences…

It started off with having a prayer answered after 22 years…

Let me explain…

After i gave my life to the Father the first song I ever heard by a christian artist was Beautiful One by Jeremy Camp, and I was hooked, and  always dreamed of meeting him, but quickly dismissed it, not in my lifetime probably, and that is okay…

I have been a fan for over 2 decades, and then my eldest son became a fan…and I would joke around with him during the pandemic that wouldn’t it be cool to meet him, and my son agreed but again I dismissed it, it couldn’t possibly happen to me, nah…

…well last Summer my son found out that Jeremy was coming to a location just 20 minutes from my doorstep, and very quickly bought tickets, but not normal ones, the whole VIP treatment which included me meeting Jeremy Camp!

Let’s just say I was speechless and on the inside I was squeeling and in disbelief…

…and when I met him, wow! And I  with my eldest son beside me explained to Jeremy what God did and He reached up (my son is very tall) and hugged him very tightly, and that made my son’s year!

I was overhwhelmed with so much thankfulness, silly me tried to dismiss the fact that God takes what we think impossible and makes it possible!

Then the harvest started to pick up…

The following Spring my friend took me to see an Anne of Green Gables musical!

Then it was my turn to bless my son and I took him to see Skillet!  Which is his favorite band, that was a unique experience, and seeing his face lit up the whole time was so worth almost losing my left side hearing capabilities, it was here my son was like…

…I have never seen this side of you!…

…to which I replied…I have always been a bad ass and cool!…

Then that night afterwards he tells me he is getting me tickets to see Wicked! A play I have longed to see for years and years, and that was epic!

Just last week I saw my first Stratford play, Wendy and Peter Pan, and today I saw Something Rotten, which was hilarious, and so good!  And tomorrow night I have been gifted a ticket along with a dear friend to a red carpet opening night event of Salesmen in China!

Me? A red carpet event?

And all inbetween these amazing things there has been incredible healing from the Father of past traumas, new amazing friendships forged…it is beautiful what happens to the heart, my heart when I stop looking inward at the constant pain and challenges and I look outward and upward and surrender…

Last week I was in a deep conversation with my husband about everything we have been faced with, that I have been going through, and how my life has never been easy, and then it hit me…

That is the point, not that God is putting me through this but he is using my trials, challenges and how I react to them, grow from them, learn from them with His guidance, all with keeping Him as my rock, my focus, to be a witness, an example to others, with all things showing His love, grace, mercy…

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”  Romans 8:28

“If I never understand, or ever see the promised land,
If You don’t answer my questions on this side of Heaven,
I’m gonna trust the way You work when You don’t rush to heal the hurt,
My heart’s still Yours forever, even if it never gets better…”

Lyrics from Better by Jeremy Camp

The other thing I have had time and space to work through is my ADHD diagnosis at 41!  That in and of itself has been a trip, finally having everything become crystal clear in my eyes, so many years I felt chaotic, weird, obnoxious, crazy even!

Ok ok well I admit to being a little crazy, I have never been nor never want to be “normal”…but you get the picture…

So since the diagnosis I have embraced my uniqueness!

Been experimenting with my hair, I stopped apologizing constantly for myself, even got a tattoo on my right hand of the neurodivergent symbol with the scripture address, Psalm 139:14…

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

“So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways!”

Lyrics from Raise Your Glass by Pink

I am embracing myself more, accepting myself, slowly learning to have grace for myself, and slowly learning to love myself for once, it’s been a slow road when it comes to struggling with self hatred, but being in this inbetween and actually listening to what God wants me to learn in the waiting, it is freeing, it is transformative…

…even a catepillar has to stop and basically fall apart completely and quite literally, and wait, and all the while God is drastically transforming it, making it new, making it better!

“So if You give or if You take…
I will let You lead the way…
Even if it breaks me!
I’ll go where You take me!“

Lyrics from Better by Jeremy Camp

The Inbetween

“…on my knees again, with my open hands,

everything I am, take it all!”

Lyrics from ‘Take it all’ by Jeremy Camp

After 7 months of waiting, I finally had my big appointment with a gynecologist…sigh…

It was something for sure…

Immediate answers don’t seem to come when we want them the most. 

Well atleast not for me it seems…

Since the beginning of 2023 I have been faced with challenges, and trials…

…all the while being told by the Father…

“there is a lesson in the waiting…”

And there indeed has been some lessons, but He is asking me to wait again…sigh…

Doctor took a biopsy, ugh it was not comfortable what so ever, she wants another ultrasound, but that won’t be until early October…

…bloodwork, follow ups etc etc etc…

I am in the inbetween of things it seems…

…well actually I feel pretty tired of it all, not only has all of these health struggles taken there toll on my physically, but my mental health has taken a huge hit, and I am left most day not feeling like me anymore…

On one hand I am receiving amazing deliverance and healing from past traumas, and on the other I am in the inbetween…

I am very thankful for how far the Father has taken me thus far, but at times I feel like things are unfair, and I just want to catch a break for a minute, catch my breathe, and just feel like myself for a second.

Instead I’m in the inbetween, and I am trying very hard to listen to the Father, to go on His guidance, to continue to be a good person, to be there for my friends, and my family…but all of it feels like it’s being piled upon me, like I am being tested, like my strength is being challenged, and maybe it is?

Maybe God is using this moment in time in my life to refine me? Steel has to be treated with heat before it can be quenched and made to be at it’s strongest right?  Perhaps that is where I am at?

I mean logically I understand all things take time, but my heart is crying out to be released from this inbetween I am in…

I say this but then think to myself…

“It’s not about the destination,

it is about the journey along the way you take to get there…”

UGH!

So here I am, in the inbetween, and all I can do is surrender, there literally is nothing left for me to do but lift my hands, release my burdens, and surrender…

….and in the meantime hope that my story can bring witness to someone, anyone, and that God’s glory be reflected in that.

Because even though I am in the inbetween…

I have experienced His patience, and mercy when I am forgetting to keep my eyes fixed upon Him during this storm in my life…

He has shown me understanding when I lay in my bed and cry, and all I want to do is escape reality. 

He forgives me when anger surfaces and I want to be done with everything once and for all, places His hand on my tightly closed fist, and His grace softens me to where my hand opens in praise and thanksgiving that at my worst He still loves me unconditionally…

“I hear You through the night, through the night,
Say You’re holding me tight, so I won’t give up the fight…
I feel you through the night, through the night,
Keeping my heart alive, so I won’t give up!”

Lyrics from “Through the Night” by Jeremy Camp

People have said I am brave and courageous while I have been enduring this…but courage and bravery have nothing to do with it, the one thing holding me together is the Father, and my faith and trust in Him…

“You’re the only constant, When my whole world shakes,
And the mess is out of control, You’re lighting up my next step,
I’ll walk straight into the dark, I’m hanging on by a thread,
But I’m not afraid in Your arms!”

Lyrics from “Through the Night” by Jeremy Camp

So I’m in the inbetween, and it can be taxing on my mental health, my physical body, but hanging onto the Father and His promises can deliver me out of anything, even this inbetween.

“I’ve screamed into the silence, and all I heard was doubt,
I’ve prayed to see the sunshine, but the rain kept coming down,
I’ve wrestled with the concept, that Your plans are always good
‘Cause half the time it doesn’t, go the way I think it should,

But You know things I never could, so…

If I never understand, or ever see the promised land,
If You don’t answer my questions, on this side of Heaven,
I’m gonna trust the way You work, when You don’t rush to heal the hurt,
My heart’s still Yours forever, even if it never gets better…“

Lyrics from “Better” by Jeremy Camp

Dawn

“I’ve had a ten-finger grip on the future,
My plan, my ways, my solutions,
I’ve had my trust cracked, so I’ve held my heart back…”

Lyrics from Jeremy Camp’s song Take it all.

Its been a few days since my journey down the rabbit hole so to speak.  I’ve needed some time to process, to gauge how I am now, and all I keep saying and have said is…

“I’m Okay.”

Let me take you back to my journey on Saturday so you can understand why “I’m Okay” holds so much more weight than when first hearing it.

It was a rainy beginning, quiet, alot of reflection within on my part…

I was worrying about the level of chaos my emotions could go to and it was an uneasy feeling, the out of controlness of it all, but I felt God with me, and telling me to just breathe and trust Him…

Our first part of the journey was taking my friends daughter to this summer camp she was going to work at for the entire summer…

Once we did that it was time to type in the first destination of our venture down the rabbit hole of my past…

First stop, honoring and remembering my Nan.

Since I have been kept unaware of where her body lays to rest I decided to go to Reids Dairy, weird? no, not at all…

She would take me there as a child and get me a loonie shake and we would watch the train go around the ceiling mount, push the button and make the cow go moooo, in my mind it is a wonderful, joyful core memory that makes me smile immediately upon thinking about it.

So we plugged in the GPS stuff and off we went, and God began to move within me…

I put in the Selah CD I have that reminds me of her, and began retelling old stories of her and I with my dear friend who was diving…

A heaviness was on my chest, a heaviness of grief, and tears flowed…

I wanted to get every memory out so someone else could know all about this wonderful grandmother I had, see all of my friends and support where I live now, well they never had the chance to meet her, and that weighs on me at times, she was such a gift to me, a blessing sent by God to make sure I felt the light in the darkness, to make sure I felt what unconditional love felt like…

Without her in my life I would of most likely turned out very different…

“How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure!”

Lyrics from Selah’s song How deep the Father’s love for us.

…I am so thankful He chose me to be her grandchild, He knew I needed her…

As we got closer I could feel my heart getting lighter, I began laughing through my tears as I told more stories until there were no more tears, just thankfulness.

I could feel the Father’s warmth all around me, I was not alone.

When we entered Reids Dairy it had changed alot of course but I could almost see my younger self hand in hand with my Nan looking at all the display items, and my wide eyes looking at all the choices for ice cream…

It made me smile, and my heart swell with greatfulness…

I saw that through the darkness of my upbringing my Father made sure I had moments of joy in the light, He had hope for me when I had none for myself.

When we finished and plugged in new instructions in the GPS for the final stop down this rabbit hole my heart tensed up, but I knew it was necessary to walk through this fire ahead of me…

“There’s a grace when the heart is under fire,
Another way when the walls are closing in,
And when I look at the space between,
Where I used to be and this reckoning,
I know I will never be alone…”

Lyrics from Hillsong’s song Another in the Fire.

As we headed onto the highway my tense, worried heart softened as I began to feel something I hadn’t felt quite like that before, and as tears filled my eyes I looked to my dear friend and said…

“I can feel them..I can feel my friends praying for me!”

..it was a beautiful overwhelming feeling of such uncondtional love, and with that I put my ‘armor‘ on and I was ready for whatever God wanted for me with this next step in my journey to freedom.

When we arrived to our exit we had about 10 minute drive off the highway to arrive at the place where I grew up, and as we drove everything looked the same, flashbacks started, like…

…being on the school bus going to my high school on this road we were on, and I remembered I always had headphones on to escape the people around me, and I would look out at the scenery dreaming, dreaming about what could be out there for me, and if I could escape this darkness and fly free like all the birds I saw flying…

We got closer and passed my old public school French teacher’s house, and I remembered how kind she was to me, so gentle, so understanding, and I smiled knowing again that was a light in my darkness that God made sure I had…

When we finally arrvied we stopped at the corner store first, it is where I had to catch my bus to high school, I looked it over, it wasn’t the same at all, almost looked run down a bit.

I showed my dear friend where I sat to wait for my bus, told her how the first year was lonely because my best friend T was a year behind me and I had to sit her alone…then when it was her time for high school my mother forbade me to talk to her at the bus stop, and I showed her how we would sit apart but still talk to one another, how we had our secret friendship anyway, and how I believe God protected that…

T was definately a light in my darkness, she saw first hand what I was going through, how the abuse and chaos at home was ripping away at me, she saw the struggle I faced every day, the impossible expectations that were put on me…

…she saw me at my worst and still stayed, she saw me fight my inner demons over and over…she saw how much I hated myself and wished I could be enough for my mother…

…she saw me drowning, wanting to just be loved, and she held out her hand over and over again and held mine and loved me for me.

I will be forever greatful for her, and thankful that God again made sure I had moments of joy, light, and saw that I could be loved just as I was.

As my friend and I drove the bend across from where my parents still reside I saw smoke coming from the backyard and my heart was jolted with a little fear…

What if they see me?

And then peace quickly washed over me and comforted me…..

…and I thought…

…then they see me, they can not hurt me anymore…

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,
Let me walk upon the waters, Wherever You would call me!”

Lyrics from Hillsong’s song Oceans.

We carried on and I showed my dear friend the route I walked to public school, and then showed her the new school they built as my old one was torn down, I even showed her the cemertery next to the school where I would go to have quiet, read head stones…

During this time I was very aware that I wasn’t crying, anger was no where to be found, and I was oddly calm?

And all I kept hearing in my head was…

“you are no longer that girl anymore”

When we pulled into the church next to my childhood home I was overcome with thankfulness, that church had provided me escape yes, but most importantly a open door, a path to the Father!

I pointed out to my dear friend where we had our strawberry social and where I got my white lace dress my Nan got all muddy….

…and as we pulled around to the backyard a bit I saw the smoke, not him, not my abuser but the smoke of the fire he had built and again heard within that…

“you are no longer that girl anymore”

…and I was calm, I was okay...

…they can not hurt me anymore, God has delivered me out of the darkness, He breathed new life into me, He has walked with me through the fire over and over again refining me…

…and as we drove slowly past my childhood home there was a release, the ache in my heart I had carried for 18 years was no longer there weighing me down, and I kept saying to my dear friend that I was Okay…

I was almost in disbelief, I started crying not understanding what was happening to me, I had expected to feel anger rise up, fists were going to be clenched, tears of anguish would fall…

…but nothing, just a phrase…

“I’m Okay.”

I am okay, I am not that girl anymore, I have put in the work with God’s help. I have allowed Him to work within me, to heal me, deliver me, and to refine me…

…most importantly He broke the trauma bond I had with my childhood, the town, everything…

…I had been stuck on replay in my mind, stuck in the pain, it replayed over and over again holding me back, and it took this trip for God to show me it is over, I no longer dwell there, He has delivered me out of it all, and by seeing it the bond has been broken, I’m no longer stuck on replay, I feel lighter, that horrible ache I lived with for 18 years has vanished and…

“I’m Okay.”

A two word phrase, those two words hold alot of weight, it means I know I’m Okay, I know I am safe, I know I am not that lost scared little girl anymore, and most importantly I know I am free!

As we drove out of town, my tears had faded and I looked to my dear friend driving and I said…

“I guess this is what it looks like to make peace with your past.”

“He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.“

Psalm 40:2

Tomorrow

It’s been a while…

..alot has happened within me, and now I am about to embark on something I never ever thought I would do…

I am going back to go forward…

Back where?

To my childhood home, well town, I am revisiting my past…

“I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware,
I’m becoming this, all I want to do,
Is be more like me and be less like you!”

Lyrics from Linkin Park’s song Numb.

God has a mysterious, ultra divine way of working in our lives, mine especially. 

This all came about when my friend asked me to join her to drive her daughter and friends to a summer camp about 5 hours away.  Once she told me where it was I realized the journey back would take us right by where I grew up, and then the inner compulsion began, all I could think of it that we would have an opprotunity here, and with that followed God’s hand gently pushing me for this next step in my life.

As my 16 year old put it after some of my friends were naysayers and concerned for my well being…

“You need to make peace with it.”

And he is right, and it is what God wants me to do.  I am not going to rush in like a fool, I am going on God’s leading, after much prayer. 

So we are going to drive into that small town, and I will show my friend all the places that brought me joy, and pain.

It has been 18 years…and when I left all those years ago it was with a heavy heart, tears streaming down my face, and an alarming feeling that I was about to pay a huge price for standing up for myself and my family, and there was but it had to be paid in order for my freedom.

But denial is a powerful thing, and I have not been completely free, not really…

…so tomorrow I make peace with it all, and it excites and terrifies me all at once, I think what scares me most is not knowing how I will feel, what emotions will surface?  I have spent a large part of my life trying to put that time of my life out of my head…

Has God delivered and healed me from some of it? YES!…

…but everyone has a different journey, and He is calling me to come face to face with my past, it is necessary, and I think I won’t completely understand it until I am face to face with it…

“Can’t you see that you’re smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control…
‘Cause everything that you thought I would be,
Has fallen apart right in front of you !”

Lyrics from Linkin Park’s song Numb.

My past has for far to long suffocated me, avoiding facing it has become an art form for me, I deal with it slightly here and there, but if I am honest with myself it still lurks over me, always right there beneath the surface, triggering me, retraumatizing me over and over…

…now I am not saying that this trip down memory lane is going to make it all go away, my past is my past it is what made me me, but I think God wants me to do this in order to put my past to rest and not carry it anymore in my present, and to be honest I don’t know what that is going to look like because it has become this entity hanging over me for a few decades…and kept me under chains that I refused to believe were still there…

…I really don’t know what tomorrow will bring, tears? pain?…

Probably.

But! I think deliverance and healing will quickly follow, and the ache I have felt for so long will be gone or atleat lessened…I am also hopeful that I will be reminded of the little things that brought me solace, that were placed in my path back then to remind me of the good in the world…which I already know of a few…

…like the church next door from my house, I was allowed to attend on my own, and participate in any or all activities there, which gave me some relief from the darkness I faced everyday, and it is where I found my love for singing, and realization of how therapeutic that can be for me…

…and there is T…my childhood best friend, every moment with her even though most of our friendship was kept secret because my mother forbid it, it was some of the most joyful times I had back then, she brought light into my world, she was what I call a lighthouse in my life, I can see God’s fingerprints all over that, and my heart swells to know He was there making sure I wasn’t alone in the dark…

Those are just a few things, I know there will be more revealed.  And I have faith that I will see it more now than I did then, I am older know, I’ve walked with God a long time, He has taught me many things, I have been refined and made new in Him, experience, kindness, and uncondtional love have softened and healed this scarred heart…

…so all I have is these lyrics, more like a cry of my heart, a prayer for tomorrow…

“Take it all, every part of me, everything I’ve been,
All I’m gonna be, take it all,
On my knees again with my open hands,
Everything I am, take it all!”

“Take my soul, take my life,
All my fear, my delight,
God, it was never mine…”

Lyrics from Jeremy Camp’s song Take it all.

I am thankful I have my family to support me through this and my close friends, and yes they have healthy concerns, but they know me, they know I put God first, that I only go on His leading, His will for my life.

Is there a possibility I will see my mother?

…not my goal or intention but…

…Yes, but I am not the same girl anymore, and I am not alone through this, I walk with my Father, and I will lean on Him tomorrow, He will not leave me or forsake me, He will guide me.

I look forward to sharing with you what transpires tomorrow, whether it is good, bad, ugly, or indifferent, I will share whatever happens, I am hopeful that what I will update or share with you will be amazing, life changing news, because I can feel it inside…

I am approaching the dawn of divine healing and change.

“Thought I was gonna fall if I let go,
You catch me every time I forget, though…
‘Cause You are the Lord and I’m nothing but Yours!”

Lyrics from Jeremy Camp’s song Take it all.

Grief

I was lying in bed, trying to forget this day, what it is…but I couldn’t shake the feeling that has been overwhelming me all day…

All day I felt a heaviness over me, a sadness, a slow push to spiral into a drain of depression…I don’t know…and I fought it, all day…but the quiet of my bedroom, my head laying on the pillow, desperately trying to fall asleep…to slip away into the nothingness…to escape…

…but nope, God has other plans, if pain is being felt, it demands to be felt, if sadness wants to flow, it breaks through the dams I set up half hazardly in my desperation to cling to my denial, to stay inside my comfortable avoidance bubble…

…but God asks me to walk through one more fire, and I am unable to disobey, He sheds light on these feelings, and escape is not possible this time…He tells me it is sadness, and pain, but not depression, that is what the enemy woud have me believe…it is grief.

I have been so scared to give into that heaviness, to lose control if you will, I am so scared if I begin to grieve I’ll never stop, and if I admit there is grief to feel, it means it all happened, and I also admit to a magnitude of loss, so much loss that the tears and emotions cause me to be unable to speak, the pain cuts across my body, and the ache swallows me up.

What am I grieving?

Today is my mother’s birthday…

It should be a celebratory day, but for me it is just a horrible reminder of what I wanted…needed, and never got, in fact I was rejected completely…

I grieve the mother I needed and never got, all I wanted was to be loved, and to feel loved, instead most of my childhood I felt scared and unsafe by the one who was suppose to protect me from the monster under the bed…and as I became  teenager, my akward years, I was made to feel like competition, bullied and abused by the one I called mother…

Loneliness was my state, and I stuffed down the ache as far as I could…

There were moments of desperation on my part, where I would beg for a hug, or any sign of affection, any sign of hope…of love…real love…

Rejection came, I was constantly shoved away, so I stopped reaching out all together, when the ache was too much I would cry myself to sleep, and then I learned how to numb myself, so tears faded away, and a silent numbness took over…but the ache prevailed…

The mother I miss, the mother I grieve, she doesn’t exist, but if she did…

She would of been filled with joy at the sight of me, she would of had a thankful heart, realizing I was a gift from God, made in His image, entrusted to her to take care of me, she would of done my hair for school, baked cookies with me, gone to the movies, did crafts, and would of held me when I was frightened…

She would of read me stories at bedtime, she would of taught me how to love myself when the world was cruel…

I would of never questioned her love for me, I could of always went to her, she would of been my number one cheerleader, protecting me without hesitation, such pride she would feel for me, especially on my wedding day, as I had my babies, and now as I navigate life at 42, perimenopause and all the horomonal emotions that crash over me randomly…

…but that mother doesn’t exist, atleast she didn’t exist for me.

Now I am on a path to acceptance I think?

But first grief? Sigh…

I don’t want to feel this, to be engulfed by all of this sadness, I don’t want to drown in it all, rationally I know God won’t let that happen, but still…everything in me wants to retreat, to run like hell far away from all of this…but all I hear is…

…this is necessary…

….and I know God is right, and I know I am not alone in this…HE is with me…

But I feel like I have been holding my breathe for ages and I am afraid to take a breathe, if that makes any sense?

I think of that heart broken little girl crying herself to sleep, wishing on stars, praying to God, oh how I would hold her until all her pieces went back together again…

All of this being said, I still find myself wondering if today she thought of me at all?

My mind knows she is not this mother I grieve, but I hope, and wonder still?

The glaring truth is right smack in front of my face, and I still am desperate to believe that she could think of or miss me?

The little girl inside blindly hopes, she longs for a mother that never was or will be, God has alot of work ahead of Him…

…I am not sure about this, I am very scared what “breathing”again will look like…

…I have lived with this ache for so long…

…when I let the dam loose how deep will the flood be, and where will it take me?

Releasing

2 months have gone by…so much has happened within me…

I have come so far in my journey of healing with God, and one person came into my life recently and it feels like all is being shattered around me, darkness is trying it’s hardest to pull me back to the state of that abused, scared little girl, who always gave in, always said yes, and always forgave, even knowing the cycle of torment she would face over and over again…

I do not regret being more vulnerable, it has been needed, but feeling preyed upon because of such vulnerability really sucks…I always love hard, dive completely in, no hesitation…most times more than naught it pays off, but I had almost forgot that pain cam always be an outcome…

“I used to float, now I just fall down,
I used to know but I’m not sure now,
What I was made for?”

Lyrics from Billie Eilish’s song “What was I made for?”

I let my guard down with someone recently…

This person is so lost, and alone.  She really needs love, acceptance, forgiveness…

Something I sought after in the beginning of my journey, but the difference between her and me is that I wanted help, I am not so sure she does.

I love the way I do because I wasn’t loved in my past by people who should of, I am kind the way I am because I was shown so much cruelty by those same people, and for me currently I am not so sure it is a strength anymore for me.

This person mimics the same behavior as my mother, kind enough to bring me in, she plays on my emotions, then SNAP! she cuts me down to nothing, over and over again and I feel myself being pulled back into that scary feeling of being preyed upon, and when I ask myself in that moment how old do I feel? something my trauma therapist taught me, I find myself saying I feel like I’m that vulnerable little five year old girl who was so scared, who hid under her covers when she heard her mother coming up the stairs.

Then with that I feel anger rise up in my 42 year old body, feelings of injustice for that little girl who only wanted to be held, to feel safe, to be truly loved.  I did not have that, and it really makes me sad, reflecting on it all I often find myself seeing how alone I felt, and then it makes me emotional because I would never let my boys feel that ache.

Thing is the ache still lingers for me at times, a good friend told me recently it was grief, I was confused, and she explained to me I was mourning the loss of what I did not have but was suppose to be, and that is was okay to let the tears flow, to lean into the ache, feel it, and cry out to God to help me walk through it.

I have put boundaries up with this person who is so lost, it pains me inside to do this, I never want anyone to feel that horrible lonely ache, for me I am use to it, not that it is ok to feel use to something so negative, but I feel what I feel at the moment.

I have worked so hard to get to where I am now, I have received so much healng on my journey, but God has also showed me and taught me that painful moments can be turned for His good, and now is that time…

It seems I had been in denial about where I was on my healing journey in regards to my mother, and this experience with this person has shown me that…

So much in these last 2 months has floated to the surface, so much pain, so much sorrow….I have found myself feeling such sadness, I stand in a crowded room and feel like everyone is moving so fast around me and I am stuck…

“When did it end? All the enjoyment? I’m sad again…”

Lyrics from Billie Eilish’s song “What was I made for?”

I cry out to God daily for answers, for help, for ease from this ache inside that makes it hard to even swallow at times…

I am blessed with an amazing family, and I have beautiful, genuine, unconditional friends…

Those friends have children who show such kindness and love to me without hesitation, they accept me, I get mystified by it all, I pray I could see myself the way they all do…

And it does ease the ache at times, to which I am very thankful for, but with that comes moments where I feel it unbearable inside and I am lost again…

“I don’t know how to feel, But someday, I might…”

Lyrics from Billie Eilish’s song “What was I made for?”

But I know now is the time to face my darkness, it is time to face all the trauma with my mother, and it terrifies me, because I have to open some pretty deep wounds, and I have to release that little girl I have been protecting for so long, see I am not ingenuine, but truly there has always been a part of myself I have held back from letting people in to see, it kept me safe…

Such fear has cut a part of me away from God, and it has held me back from what God wants for me, sure I turn my family over to Him, my friends, but only part of me? so foolish of me…good thing He is an understanding Father…

I don’t know how to feel but I want to try to push through this sadness, emptiness, the ache of it all…

I’m 42 and I feel like I have no idea who I am outside of being a daughter of the King, a wife, a mom, a friend…some might say I am just hormonal, and I would agree to a certain degree, but there is a part of me that has been so tied up with protecting myself I got lost on the path trying to find my thing, what I am good at…I dunno…

I am about to navigate new waters, I am scared, but not as scared as I would be if I don’t take this next step in faith.

I have no idea what I will be like on the other side away from all the trauma caused by my mother, I just know it is time to shed these scars across my heart, and only surrendering to God can He who is Sovereign over me heal those scars.

It’s going to take work, true submission…but I am  worth it.

“Think I forgot how to be happy,
Something I’m not, but something I can be,
Something I wait for,
Something I’m made for.”

Lyrics from Billie Eilish’s song “What was I made for?”