Hope

Since my last blog entry I have had two more sessions with my therapist, and I have to honestly say it has truly been eye opening, and I am gaining new perspective on myself, my life, and my past.

One thing I have been saying to myself over the years, and recently is:

‘if only I could go back in time and really talk to my younger self…’

It turns out part of my therapy in the next few sessions will be addressing some things concerning my ‘younger self’….

This got me really thinking when I got home the other day from my last session.  Realizing this was ‘the next step’ in my path of healing…

…and then I turned to my note book, started to write, and started literally talking to my younger self…

The following is what I had to say to her…

Hello Little One;

You have had alot taken from you haven’t you…your innocence taken quickly, that sparkle in your eyes put out.  The one thing you longed for but was denied was the protection and love from your Mother.  You need to try to understand she was never capable of giving or showing love to anyone let alone you. 

As to why?

She comes from her own broken path, pain, anger, and hatred prevented her from being who you needed. 

But there was and is love in your life, God made a way, and He gave you your Nan.  He knew you would need a ‘constant lighthouse’ in your life growing up, so He provided.  He made sure you had a Grandmother who would love you so unconditionally, a woman who would also be your prayer warrior throughout the darkest of times.  He made sure you had a wonderful example of what a Mother’s Love was suppose to be like, and also what an example of ‘Christ’s Love’ for you as well.

I know you feel alone all the time, that there is a certain emptiness within you, just know that you are never alone, God is ever present with you, always right next to you, even when the pain of this darkness around you stings the most. 

Know when you find yourself physically and emotionally ‘stuck’ God is right there whispering in your ear:

‘this too shall pass…’

It is just hard to hear Him sometimes over the pain, the rejection, and the sorrow…

There are so many times you have asked…

‘Why does God hate me so much?

Why does He let all these horrible things happen to me?’…

Thing is, He has never hated you, and what has been and will be inflicted on you was never His doing or under His control to stop…….

…..you were and will be a casualty from someone’s sin and past trauma, and that damage path will manifest itself into abuse, abuse unfortunately that you have and will be at the receiving end of.

Know in those moments the Father in Heaven was and is devastated, and He has and will grieve over your suffering. 

I realize that most of the time you feel like you are on auto pilot, secretly praying at night for it all to finally be over.  But God is carrying you through, remember your Nan, and those continuous prayers, they are being answered, and will continue to be answered as you grow up.

I know there are things you have needed:

Like…

Love —> You got Rejection.

A Hug or to be Held —> You got pushed away.

To Feel Safe —> All you felt was Fear of those set to ‘protect’ you.

Acceptance —> You were put down, called names, ridiculed.

A Loving Touch —> You were hit/slapped randomly.

Reassurance —> Uncertainty became your state of being.

To be Cherished —> You were made to feel like you were a mistake, or a burden.

A Voice —> You were told to be seen and not heard, most times asked to be unseen too.

To be Invested in —> You were shoved aside, your potential for the future ignored.

A Mother —> You got a wounded woman, traumatized by her past, and she used you as an outlet for all her anger, hatred, and pain.  She did not know how to love herself, how could she ever love you?.

A Father —> Any ‘Father Figure’ placed in your life took it upon themselves to use and abuse you, their past trauma sent a damage path your way, resulting in more suffering.

Out of all of this I have something to tell you…

Prayers will be answered, He has heard you, and will continue to listen to you.  He will continue to shine His light upon you, and He will do so in many forms, one being your Nan, her witness, her love will give you moments of Joy to help sustain you.  Then in time others will be rays of His Light, Joy, Hope helping to sustain you and to lead you out of the darkness, because He will DELIVER you out of the darkness!

There will be an end to this ‘broken road’, and He will be waiting for you there, His hand stretched out…and when you grasp His hand, He will pull you close into His arms. 

He will in that instant give you everything you have always needed…

Love, Safety, Acceptance, Reassurance, A Voice, He will want to Invest in you, for He sees your amazing potential to bring Glory to the His Kingdom, and He will proudly proclaim to the Heavens that you are HIS Daughter! Whom He will Cherish.

In that moment the Unconditional Love He will show you, will fill that emptiness within you and you will be overflowing with Thanksgiving!

Then the time of healing will begin, as it will be necessary, as pain runs deep, and leaving ‘roots under the soil’ will only cause pesky ‘weeds’ to sprout up on your new path. 

It is going to seem like a very long, dark night to get to this point Little One, but know you are never alone, and that Dawn is nearing, and indeed:

“Joy Comes in the Morning!”

—————————————————————————————

 

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Genesis 50:20

 

 

 

 

Fear

Recently I have embarked on a new journey placed before me by God…

I speak of it in my last blog entry…

Journey

I am only a few months into this new journey…

I find myself feeling so excited at times and then my ‘flesh’ cries out and I am filled with fear of the unknown to come.

Now fear only comes from one source, and that is Satan.

From my experience in the past it has been shown that when God is moving in amazing ways in your life the enemy gets intrigued and decides to rattle us with hopes of derailing God’s will.

Lately I have found this to be evident in my life, where the enemy has been ‘trying’ to derail God’s will in my life, especially in regards to this new journey He has set me on.

Not long after my last blog entry I found myself being faced with a few ‘obstacles’.

You ever hear that saying ‘when it rains it pours’?

Well a hurricane hit my life, and I was challenged immensely.

At first it was just pure horrible fear that one day crept upon me out of no where.  I was unable at first to really articulate why or what was causing such fear in me.  I just knew that my ‘flesh’ was freaking out and it almost felt like it was trying to control me, distract me even, if that makes sense?

Naturally I turned to the Father for answers.  I prayed and listened to worship music.  Through that I discovered the incredible crippling fear I was feeling was due to my wanting to have complete control and sight over everything to come, the unknown ahead of me.

I was quickly reminded who was Sovereign over my life, and reminded that He has gotten me thus far, and anytime He has asked me to ‘jump’ He has always caught me.

He brought this scripture to my remembrance:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

Life went on…but as I found myself more into scripture and working on myself, the ‘beast’ reared it’s ugly head…

All of a sudden the enemy was attacking a few of my friendships, and a loved one was hospitalized and I spent a long day at her bedside…

Each one of these things all created a certain depth of fear within me…

These events all happened within days of each other, and it felt like an incredible hurricane that just got worse and worse with each day.

It challenged me to dig deep and remember who I was in Christ, and where my strength comes from.  I had to have faith, faith that God would carry me through, faith in others that I had built strong bonds with, and trust that God would show Himself in that as well.

In the middle of all this chaos, I found myself sitting in the emergency room at the bedside of a loved one for hours.  She slept most of the time, and I found myself alone with my thoughts.

I was alone, and the fear washed over me with great strength.  I found myself almost unable to swallow it was so intense.

Then I remembered one of my favorite lyrics from a Casting Crowns song…

Titled ‘Oh My Soul’:

There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know!

At that moment I made a conscious decision that indeed my fear would have to face God.  So I pulled out my notebook and I began to write and pray, and God met me in that hospital room.  The more and more I wrote the more I felt at peace.  And I didn’t stop writing until my ‘flesh‘ was at peace.

(I will be posting a blog soon that shows what I wrote that day)

During that time He reminded me of Psalm 46:10

Be still and know that I am God!

Moving forward from that day some things were still in limbo with a few friendships, but I carried on praying, and trying to lay it all down before God. 

Thing is I kept laying it down and then picking it back up.  At the time I felt like my patience was being tested, but it was actually being refined.

With each struggle there is always a lesson from the Father.  I found myself throwing my arms up alot with frustration because the ‘lesson’ was not coming into focus yet.

The situation called me to simply ‘trust’….

Trust first an for most the Father in Heaven, and then trust in these bonds that God had aligned in my life.  God just kept telling me to ‘trust’ in the truth, trust in who He says that I am, and who they are, and the unconditional love that has bonded us…….

After almost 2 weeks of this struggle I found myself at a breaking point, where my ‘flesh’ was at it’s loudest, the fear was it’s deepest, my emotions chaotic, and the enemy savoring eagerly at a possible victory…

God spoke loudly:

Be still and know the I AM GOD!  Psalm 46:10

Almost like He was saying ‘Enough is Enough!’…

I surrendered completely at that moment all tears ended, peace flooded over me, and as I went to bed that night I felt like everything was finally going to be okay, and even though I didn’t know how, it didn’t bother me one bit, I allowed the Father to hold me in slumber…

The next day I was calm, and I just relied on the Father to just have His will be done. 

And His will was done! 

That evening I was able to come together with these ‘friends’ and God was all over that evening. 

Reconciliation was achieved to which I know the enemy shook and fled for he does not want sisters and brothers in Christ to come together and be bonded and fortified with Christ as their foundation.

God who is perfect love delivered this scripture to me in reference to ‘the enemy’:

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

I walked away from those experiences feeling different…

As I should…

God used those situations to work in me, to fortify me within, to remind me who I am in Him, and that fear has no place in my life.  He also armed me with the ‘tools’ I need pressing forward on my journey to combat such fear, and those ‘tools’ are LOVE, and HIS TRUTH.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things?

If God is for us, who can be against us?

Romans 8:31

 

 

 

 

 

 

Journey

13 years ago my life changed forever…

I call this day my ‘Independence Day’…

It was the day I finally woke up, and with God’s strength lifting me out of a chair, I finally stood up to my abusers and said:

” I have had enough, you will not do this to us anymore!”

You can read in detail about that day here:

Testimony- Breaking Chains

In my recent blog posts I have been talking about God placing me…

…at the beginning of a journey…

On this day of all days I decided to share what that Journey is…

For many years I have been putting back together the ‘broken’ pieces of my past, God has been there with me every step of the way, guiding me, bringing me healing…

I have been ‘growing’ in my faith, and God has been incredibly patient with me.

But in recent months He has made it quite obvious that ‘enough is enough’ and I need to really look myself in the mirror and face things that I have been running away from my whole life…

I need to stop saying ‘I’m fine, I’m okay..’ and then I flinch at the sight of a fly swatter or a certain song plays on the radio and I am riddled with flashbacks, some moments in which I am immobilized with dread and fear…

Truth is I’ve been lying to myself for many years, I mean don’t get me wrong I have grown alot, I have received alot of healing, but the harsh truth for me to admit to now is that when it all got too painful I retreated, I got scared, and I ran from it…

Well in June God stood in front of me as I ran and said ‘no more!’.

I was presented with an opportunity to start therapy, and normally I would of had a knee jerk reaction to it, but I found myself accepting immediately, and as I did this inside of myself I was in disbelief, did I really just accept this?

I had nothing against therapy, not at all…

But Christians have God why would we need anything or anyone else?

Ya, I know how I sound…but remember I had been running, avoiding, looking for excuses to not face myself.

When I told my husband what had transpired, he just looked at me, smiled, and said:

“I have been telling you for years that you need to go and talk to someone”.

To which just annoyed me, but it got me to start reflecting on things.

My appointment was a month away, and the fear crept up inside of me so heavily. 

Two things were troubling me:

I was going to have to face everything, no excuses this time, and I wasn’t sure if I could handle it.

AND

My faith is so important to me, and what if I can’t really talk about that aspect in my life, because reality is that in today’s society people are not welcomed to talk about their beliefs without scrutiny or judgement, and if I was going to do this, I mean really do this I wanted to being 100% me, and with the freedom of having God the Father at the center of it.

So, that is where I focused my prayers…

Then I went camping with my best friend and God made His presence known and He spoke loudly to me, reminding me about things, and casting out all fear from my heart with His words.

My last two blog posts talk about that amazing week:

Joy

Peace

The day of my first appointment finally arrived, and as I waited for my best friend to pick me up for it, I did as I have done in the past and I looked up toward Heaven, took a deep breathe and said:

“Okay God You’ve got this.”

When I got there I was a little nervous, but I reminded myself that God is Sovereign over my life and “if God is for us who could be against us?”…

They had me filling out paper work prior and one column asked me about my coping skills etc, and I was compelled to simply write:

” My Christianity has always been my anchor in life, my Faith has always sustained me.”

Bold right!

My therapist called me in and from the moment I walked into her office I felt something, but I could not put my finger on the ‘feeling’.  I just sat down and we started to talk, and she was reviewing the paper work I had filled out.  About 5 minutes into the conversation she put her pad of paper down and this is what she said:

” Listen…normally with these sessions we don’t ever discuss beliefs, we tend to just keep things neutral and get right to work, but…(she paused for a second) I don’t know what it is but I need to tell you that….(she got quiet for a second again) I am a Christian as well.  I don’t usually share that with my clients but what you wrote as an answer to that one question really stood out to me.”

As she was telling me this tears began to roll down my face, my prayers were answered, and of course they were, He had been preparing me, He had it all laid out for me, I just had to take that first step on that journey, I had to give complete trust.

Then she said something that intrigued me:

” I also want you to know that I specialize in trauma.”

To which I couldn’t help it I did let out a laugh because if you have read anything about my life in these blog posts you know I have experienced alot of trauma in my past…

Again God was aligning me not only with a fellow Sister in Christ, but someone with the medical expertise to help me in the way I needed it, and in the way God wanted it.

She went on to discuss with me that I was ‘signing myself up for alot of hurt‘, commenting on the fact that I am a brave person, and telling me that we were about to go on a journey, that we would be coming face to face with things that would be hard to face BUT we would be going through one trauma at a time and I would finally be able to overcome it, and this is the best part…

She said:

” you can finally overcome it…with God’s help”

Tears just flowed out of me, but they were not sad tears, they were tears of complete thankfulness, my heart was bursting/overflowing with so much love for my Father in Heaven, that He loved me so completely, that He laid it all out for me, exactly the way I needed it to be, His will being done!

I left that first appointment feeling so thankful to God, so incredibly blessed.  I also found myself feeling both excited and scared about what is to come.

But God has been preparing me…

He will be with me every step of they way of this journey…

 

 

                                                               …more about this journey to come in future posts…

 

 

 

 

 

Peace

After I became a Christian, and started to grow in my faith I quickly caught on that my path in life was set, and that God had a plan for me.

I might not of known what that meant at times or looked like, but my faith has always carried me through, and just ‘diving in’ with pure trust has always resulted in growth.

When I returned from camping with my youngest son, I was reawakened to things I had long forgot about myself.  Reminded of things that would help me on my new journey that had been laid before me.

I was barely settled back in here at home, and reality decided to ‘take a bite’ out of what I had just experienced the few days before.

Before I could react God spoke loudly:

” Be at Peace, for this is not in your hands, but in mine, and you needn’t be troubled anymore, I am with you, I will walk with you through this, I will give you the strength you will need, for I am preparing you…”

I immediately felt a rush of Peace over me, I was thankful because with other times before I would of been very emotional.

I remember praying and saying to Him:

I don’t exactly know what you are preparing me for?

But let Your will be done, you’ve got this!

The end of the week came and it was time for one last adventure with my son, we were headed out to the beach with some family friends.  When we got there it was over cast, and a bit cool.  We were disappointed, but we decided to just go with the flow.

If I could describe the day in one word it would be ‘Peaceful’.

It was quiet most of the day, the kids played in the water, I sat, feet nestled in the sand, chatting it up with my friend, and just relaxing.

In between the conversations there was a time where it was so quiet, and I felt like God was making it necessary for it to be quiet, for me to listen, for me to just be silent, and to be replenished with His presence.  I didn’t ask why? I just accepted it, because He is Sovereign and knows what I need before I do.

Through some conversations with my friend my eyes were opened again to some things that I needed to be faced with.

I had made some promises to an unwell family member and through discussing it with my friend it hit me that I was never going to be able to sustain those promises.

I struggled at first with this…

But God spoke clearly:

“Your flesh cries out to do what only I can do!”

This got my attention, made me really think…

Was I aligned with His will or mine?

Then He spoke again, and it was familiar:

” Be at Peace, for this is not in your hands, but in mine, and you needn’t be troubled anymore, I am with you, I will walk with you through this, I will give you the strength you will need, for I am preparing you…”

And I was at Peace instantly…

I ‘Let it go, and I Let God‘!

The rest of the day was so peaceful for me, yes things were going on around us, but for me sitting there taking it all in, God’s beauty, God’s presence, it was replenishing me.

When it was time to get back on the road home the sun started to peek through the clouds…but I don’t think I really took too much notice to it because for me the day was the brightest I had had in a long time.

My friend took the scenic route, cranked the music, everyone singing, dancing, and I looked out the window at God’s beautiful creations my heart was so full, and it was at Peace.

He spoke again…

” Remember what I have shown you this week, remember the words I have spoken, for it will be instrumental to the journey that is before you, know that I am with you, and you will never be alone…”

Then He reminded me of something He showed me in the beginnings of my walk with Him…

The Father’s Love Letter

My Child,

You may not know me but I know everything about you.
(Psalm 139:1)

I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
(Psalm 139:2)

I am familiar with all your ways.
(Psalm 139:3)

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
(Matthew 10:29-31)

For you were made in my image.
(Genesis 1:27)

In me you live and move and have your being.
(Acts 17:28)

For you are my offspring.
(Acts 17:28)

I knew you even before you were conceived.
(Jeremiah 1:4-5)

I chose you when I planned creation.
(Ephesians 1:11-12)

You were not a mistake for all your days are written in my book.
(Psalm 139:15-16)

I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live.
(Acts 17:26)

You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
(Psalm 139:14)

I knit you together in your mother’s womb.
(Psalm 139:13)

And brought you forth on the day you were born.
(Psalm 71:6)

I have been misrepresented by those who don’t know me.
(John 8:41-44)

I am not distant and angry but am the complete expression of love.
(1 John 4:16)

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
(1 John 3:1)

Simply because you are my child and I am your Father.
(1 John 3:1)

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
(Matthew 7:11)

For I am the perfect father.
(Matthew 5:48)

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
(James 1:17)

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
(Matthew 6:31-33)

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
(Jeremiah 29:11)

Because I love you with an everlasting love.
(Jeremiah 31:3)

My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore.
(Psalms 139:17-18)

And I rejoice over you with singing.
(Zephaniah 3:17)

I will never stop doing good to you.
(Jeremiah 32:40)

For you are my treasured possession.
(Exodus 19:5)

I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul.
(Jeremiah 32:41)

And I want to show you great and marvellous things.
(Jeremiah 33:3)

If you seek me with all your heart you will find me.
(Deuteronomy 4:29)

Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart.
(Psalm 37:4)

For it is I who gave you those desires.
(Philippians 2:13)

I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine.
(Ephesians 3:20)

For I am your greatest encourager.
(2 Thessalonians 2:16-17)

I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles.
(2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

When you are brokenhearted I am close to you.
(Psalm 34:18)

As a shepherd carries a lamb I have carried you close to my heart.
(Isaiah 40:11)

One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes.
(Revelation 21:4)

And I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth.
(Revelation 21:4)

I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus.
(John 17:23)

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
(John 17:26)

He is the exact representation of my being.
(Hebrews 1:3)

He came to demonstrate that I am for you not against you.
(Romans 8:31)

And to tell you that I have no desire to count your sins.
(2 Corinthians 5:18-19)

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
(2 Corinthians 5:18-19)

His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you.
(1 John 4:10)

I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love.
(Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus you receive me.
(1 John 2:23)

And nothing will ever separate you from my love again.
(Romans 8:38-39)

Come home and I’ll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.
(Luke 15:7)

I have always been Father and will always be Father.
(Ephesians 3:14-15)

My question is…Will you be my child?
(John 1:12-1)

I am waiting for you.
(Luke 15:11-32)

Love,

Your Dad,

Almighty God

And I just smiled and knew no matter what, He has got this, and I was at ‘Peace’ with it.

Joy

These last few weeks have been quite eye opening for me…

My husband and my eldest son joined our church on their annual missions trip up North to Manitoulin Island, while my youngest and myself embarked on a week of pure adventure together.

I had the whole week planned out a few months in advance, all with one goal…

To give my youngest son the best week possible, to make it so memorable for him, because for someone so young he has had to go through some pretty difficult things and I just wanted to ‘shed some light‘ on life a bit more!

What I was not prepared for was that God too had a goal in mind, for me…

The week started with a camping trip with my best friend and her two children…

They had never camped before, and it had been many years for myself.

From the moment the van hit the pavement and ventured in the campgrounds direction I felt different inside, something stirring within me, and as city buildings faded into big beautiful pine trees and farmland, that feeling within me grew even more.

When I was younger my Aunt and Uncle had taken me a few times camping, and camping with them was a handful of joyous memories for me in the midst of the darkness I grew up in…

So, as we drew closer to the campground I had what I can only explain as pure Joy rise up within me, such excitement, it took me back to the same way I felt as a child, when I was allowed to be just that….a child…

After we got there and set up and organized I felt energized by my surroundings.  Sitting back and watching the kids play, or swim at the beach, it calmed my whole being…

…and very quickly I felt God start to speak to me…

He wanted me to know that I was at the beginning again of another journey, one that would not be easy what so ever, but it was necessary, necessary for my growth in Him…That he has called me to finally put to rest some things from my past….but before I could take that first step on that journey He divinely placed me on this ‘adventure week’ with my son to remind me of a few things about myself, and to also provide respite as the weeks/months to come may be quite the roller coaster…

This all caught me off guard but instead of allowing fear to creep in to the moment of ‘what’s to come?’ I just took a deep breathe like I have before, looked upward and said:  

‘okay you’ve got this’…

The words:

“…divinely placed me ………to remind me of a few things about myself”…

…this made me curious, until the ‘yarn started to unravel’…

On our last full day of camping we decided to go hiking, and my best friends son is in a wheelchair, so we put him in a backpack and I proudly put him up on my back, and away we went.  I quickly realized I was not really prepared for how heavy it would all be, but my love for this little boy far surpassed my physical quams!

As we started to hike, God started to speak to me again.  And with each step He started to show me things…

Here is some things He shared with me…

“…see the love you have for this boy on your back, how you carry him without hesitation, this is how I feel about you, I will carry you always, especially through the journey that you are about to begin on…”

*As I walked and He spoke this my eyes filled with tears of thanksgiving…

*As I looked upon the beautiful landscape that surrounded us…

“…see all that I have created in nature, designed everything down to the last minute detail, I have also taken so much care in every detail in designing you, for I love you so much…”

*At this point I was just crying, looking to my best friend and exclaiming out loud…

“how can anyone look at all of this wonderment and deny that God exists!?”

During the hike there was a point on the way back where we were separated from her and my son and her daughter, so we found a spot to sit and wait, as we waited there was beautiful overlook on the water, and He spoke to me more…

“…there are many layers to your past, it was not all cast in the darkness, as you move forward on this new journey I need you to try to remember the times of Joy, where I cast my light upon your life, and remember how those moments added to who you are now…”

*At that I spoke out loud, forgetting that my best friends son was on my back still…

” …it is easier said than done sometimes Father…”

I quickly remembered my best friend’s son was there with me, and he heard me…and that little boy simply said…

“…nothing is easy but He will help you!”

I laughed, and told him loudly…

“I love you buddy!”, where he added“I love you sweetie!”.

Warmed my heart so much, and then with eyes filled with thankful tears we carried on…

It came to the end of the trail and there was a steep incline to walk up, and it was not going to be fun at all, a good 10 minute walk up to get up to the van where we had parked…

Still God had something to say to me…

“I am with you, you are not alone, I will give you strength, dig into the love you have for this boy upon your back as well…”

*and I did, sweat pouring down, and I climbed up the incline, but then there was a moment I had to stop, my best friend had offered to take over, and I had kept telling her:

“no no I got this, I got this”…

He spoke even louder then…

” stop thinking all the time that you are a burden on others! I place people in your life physically to help me do my work, to carry out my will, people who love you as I do, to support you, for when the burden gets heavy they can share it with you, as I do!  You have to learn to surrender to that or the journey that lies ahead of you will be harder than it needs to be and bear no fruit…”

So I stopped, and handed my buddy off to my best friend and my heart just overflowed with so much love for the Father, so thankful that He was taking the time to prepare me in such a way as this.

During the rest of the trip I felt He was making me hyper aware of so many things around me, even the little things, like…

The Joy I felt to have a camp fire before me, roasting marshmallows, getting it all over me, giggling with the kids as we were laying in our beds in the tent at night, waking up to the birds in the morning, and how when I stepped out of the tent the world seem to stand still in the early hours of dawn. 

He was showing me Joy again, the kind of Joy as I saw it as a child.

He was showing me that I can experience Joy even in the smallest things, and that it was going to be instrumental in the weeks/months to come.

 

“These things I have spoken to you, that my Joy may be in you,

and that your Joy may be full!”

John 15:11

 

                                   …to be continued in ‘Peace’…

 

Waking Up

 

I have been taking time away to ‘work on myself’…

My journey on ‘working on myself’ actually began 8 months ago…

And what exactly am I working on you ask?

Well, in previous posts I have talked about my 12 letter word that at times hinders me from ‘normal’ life… (Fibromyalgia)

But I have also struggled with another word for the past 10 years of my life…

An 8 letter word…

Diabetes

The diagnosis hit me right after I had my second son, I had gestational diabetes during both pregnancies.  But after my first son I was fine so I was taken a bit back by the diagnosis after my second son was born.

It was a bitter struggle as time went on…

I mean it should be simple you would think right?

Just take care of yourself, and easy right?

No! Not in the slightest…

This disease can be a difficult one to navigate, not only is it hard to control it physically, but mentally it takes it’s toll on you…

As a Mom of two young children and at the time a husband in a wheelchair I made the decision to put my health on the back burner…

*not a great decision I know that now, but at them time in my head it was more important to take care of them than myself.  I was fooling myself because if I was not going to try to be healthier, than I was risking not being there at all to take care of them.

I struggled with myself for years, having moments where I would take care of myself, and then I would get so burnt out I would just give up entirely.  And then depression would creep in and we all know we can be our own worst enemy.

Last year I found myself starting to think it was hopeless, that this disease was impossible to regain control from…

…and I honestly thought I just didn’t have the strength to battle it on my own…

Keep in mind I have been a Christian for 18 years at this point…

I had been so blinded by my own flesh, all the advice I would give all my friends, the words of ‘anything is possible when you have God’ or ‘God makes the impossible possible’ would leave my lips but my ears did not hear it…

I even have a tattoo on my left forearm that says:

“If God is for us, who could be against us.”

I had all the tools I needed, but I had given up all hope in that area of my life.

Then last October I attended our Annual Ladies Retreat Weekend with my Church and something changed in me.  The speaker, the scripture spoken, and the testimonies really spoke into my heart.

It was like a part of me that had been sleeping a long time had finally woken up.

Some of my first realizations then was:

– I am important, my health is of importance, I need to follow the advice I always tell my children and that is to keep trying no matter what and to never give up.

– There is always hope when God is present!  He is the only one that can take the impossible and make it possible!

– This disease does not have control over me!  Only the Lord God in Heaven is Sovereign over me!

– I know where my strength comes from!

 The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace. Psalm 29:11

– This was a battle that was not for me to fight on my own…

The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. Psalm 18:2

– And most importantly, God never gives up on us, so I need to follow that example and not give up on myself!

A fire was lit under me then, and slowly but surely I started to make strides to improve my health…

It was not easy at all, but this time I had truly given over my health to God, and committed to keep trying no matter what.

I had finally gotten an Endocrinologist after ten years, and she laid out the work that had to be done, and after that first appointment I walked outside, took a deep breath and looked upward to Heaven and I said:

“Ok God let’s do this”

My A1C at that time was 12.8%…that is really bad for a Diabetic…

8 months later…

It is now 6.3%…

I have officially taken myself out of the Diabetic range and into the Pre-Diabetic range!

It is a huge VICTORY!

And ALL the GLORY to HIM!

There were tears, there was frustrations, there was lifestyle changes, there was learning,  there was praying, there was support from loved ones, there was determination, but most of all there was God and He sustains me!

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:26

The journey still continues…

And as I continue to ‘work on myself‘ I maintain my focus on God, set new goals for myself, because with Him ALL things are Possible!

 

 

 

Jump

Today I find myself overwhelmed with feelings of thanksgiving.

Why?

Well that is the beautiful story I want to share with you now…

4 years, 6 weeks, and 4 days ago God called my family to make a decision…

We had lived in the city where we were for the past 16 years. 

That is where I went to College, met my husband, and had our children. 

We thought of ourselves as ‘home base’ for alot of our friends we met in College, who now had moved away either across the country or over seas.

We were comfortable…

But a skype conversation with family sparked a question…

They asked us ‘would you ever consider moving here where we are?’

I was stunned, the thought scared me and intrigued me all at once.  

My husband and I didn’t really respond.  After the call ended we looked at each other, our wheels turning inside our heads. 

We talked about the possibility for a few moments… and then we both agreed to leave it in God’s hands, He would have to make a way for it to happen, there were so many variables, it would be up to HIM and HIM alone, if HE wanted us to go HE would make it known, and that is what my husband and I prayed…

*truthfully I never thought much would come of that prayer, if I am to be really honest…

We went about our lives…

24 hrs later a call came in from our family…

“Hey Guys you know how we asked if you would ever consider moving here?, Well I am a superintendent at my Father in Law’s building and we have an apartment for you! If you want it?”

My husband and I looked at each other in disbelief….

Okay, God what are you doing? 

After further discussion we told her we would have to pray and think about it. 

*and still at this point I was intrigued but thinking honestly it was not going to happen, the rent was too high and there was no way…

12 hrs later another call…

“Hey Guys I decided to have a talk about the rent with my Father in Law and he decided to lower it because after all you guys are family.  So what do you think?”

I walked out of the room looked upward and said:

“Really God? Are you serious right now?”

We still had to think and pray about it we told her. 

That first night my husband and I did not sleep at all.  We held each other, talking, crying, praying.  God was making it quite obvious it was time for us to move on from where we were, but it was our comfort zone. 

How could we? 

It was so scary to think about, but as my husband and I discussed it more and more we became a bit excited about the possibilities, not only for us but especially for our boys.

Each hour that past over that weekend my husband and I would look to God and say “you have to make a way about this or about that…” and each and every time God answered and found a way for each and every thing we had worries about.

God was asking us to jump into the unknown, to trust Him completely, and we were so terrified.  We had so many ‘what ifs’ that we were concerned about.

He just kept saying to us:

‘Just jump, I’ll be right here to catch you…’

He had not abandoned us before, why would He now? 

So by the end of the weekend we had an answer. 

We called our family and told them ‘yes’.

We had 6 weeks to pack…each time I would get scared I just kept reminding myself that God had called us to do this, He had made a way, and He had a plan for our family. 

Moving Day came, and there God was at the bottom of a ‘canyon’, arms stretched out to me, ‘Just jump, I’ll catch you…’

As we drove away and got on to the highway that would carry us hours away from everything we had known for so long, it was like I had taken a deep breath, and ‘jumped’ off that ‘canyon’ soaring downward to God, fully submitting to His will for my family.

4 years, 6 weeks, and 4 days later…

God is SO Good!

Right from the moment we got there He had doors open for us…

When we walked into the Church we had chose, it was like we had finally come home! 

Instant connections with people…

Where others might say ‘magical’ moments,  I say firmly the friendships we started to develop were God ordained appointments.  We were finally being ‘reunited‘ with family, with  Christian brothers and sisters!  It was so refreshing.

I realized that we were just existing before, we had become stagnant, and now as a family we were finally starting to thrive. 

God showed me that when He called us to make that decision He was giving us ‘growing pains’, not physically, but spiritually growing us.  Deepening our faith, stretching us beyond our ‘comfort zone’.  As believers He is never ‘done working on us’.  He is always remolding us, remaking us, and always teaching us.

In the 18 years of having a relationship with the Father, these past 4 have been the most fruitful, not only for me but for my family as well.  

All the new friendships, the God ordained appointments, were all in His plan to help shape us as well.  Each new person an instrument in His hands working in our lives.  And many of them making an impact on our lives and thus leaving their mark across our hearts forever. 

Even after 4 years, each new day brings a new blessing, a new experience, and new growth. 

God is Good!

*ask yourself something…is God asking you to ‘jump’?