“I dare you to move, I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor!”
(Lyrics from Dare you to Move by Switchfoot)
Last year in a blog post titled “12 Letter Word”where I discussed my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. For some who don’t know what that is:
Fibromyalgia is a disorder of widespread musculoskeletal pain accompanied by fatigue, memory, and mood issues.
I’m that post I discussed the challenges in which it had presented in my life daily. I also discussed how God never left my side, and how He helped me navigate through that new normal.
When I was diagnosed over two years ago, I can remember I had alot of hard days in the beginning. I would have no strength in my body to get out of bed, much less lift my head up. I’d lay there, in agony, feeling defeated, but then my youngest would bounce in with a few movies, our portable dvd player, and we’d lay there together watching movies. It definitely helped distract me from the pain. I quickly caught on that this disorder was much like a roller coaster, it had it’s ups and downs, and ‘flare ups’ could occur when I was least expecting. And they did, and at times when they did I would become immobile, and as I said there in immense pain I felt trapped inside my own body, like it was a prison keeping me captive…..those times definitely got dark for me.
There was a moment for me, a turning point of you will about 18 months ago…
I was deep into a flare up, lying in my bed alone, weak, in immense pain, feeling sorry for myself, and the lyrics from Dare you to Move by Switchfoot started to run through my head…
“I DARE YOU to MOVE, I DARE YOU to LIFT YOURSELF UP off the floor! “
At first I was annoyed, an earworm stuck in my mind, but I quickly realised it was the Father, He was asking me to “rise up and walk!”. I was baffled, I remember telling him I couldn’t, that it was impossible, that I just didn’t have the strength…And He was quick to scold me lovingly, and remind me in Whom I can receive my strength!
So I surrendered…
And with His help, His strength, I got up out of bed, had a shower, got dressed, and faced the day.
Did He heal me in that moment?
No, but it is not in His plan for me at this time, and I have accepted that wholeheartedly, because there is a purpose for everything.
What He did in that moment was remind me in Whom I can reach to for strength when I feel defeated and at my most weakest.
He was teaching me how to navigate my new normal, preparing me, showing me the path He intended for me…
I am still navigating that new normal today, my 12 letter word still creeps up and bears its teeth every so often.
BUT now I know in Whom brings me strength when I am lacking.
Recently I have found myself drawing on that strength…
10 months ago I noticed something troubling my legs/feet…
I was having sharp agonizing pain shoot up my legs, my feet would burn with pain at times, my feet while bare when touched would feel like there was a thin layer between my hand and my foot, and I wasn’t sleeping well at all. I was lost, I didn’t know what was happening? Was it a flare up? My 12 letter word throwing a tantrum?
My endocrinologist had been checking my feet, especially after I would inquire to this ‘thin layer in between feeling’ and all was well there…or was it?
I’m February I finally went in to bring this to my Doctor’s attention, and this began months of tests.
I think I had a sinking feeling the whole time what was wrong with me, but I refused to acknowledge it…
I went for an MRI, bloodwork, and nerve tests…
While at the Nerve Test Appointment I remember laying on the examine table and just knowing what was wrong…there was a heaviness on my heart, and God spoke boldly to me…
He told me I needed to stop avoiding the truth, and face myself…
After it was done I had to get dressed and go and meet back up with my best friend who had driven me there and was waiting for me (pandemic restrictions).
I lingered for a moment in that change room, tears filled my eyes, my heart heavy.
How could I face her? My Husband? My Kids? Or anyone? How could I possibly admit the truth to anyone? Especially myself?
The truth that was spoken to me late September over a follow up appointment by my Doctor was a 10 letter word…
Neuropathy
It had been discovered that I have moderate Neuropathy in my feet.
Neuropathy is damage of nerves outside of the brain, it can cause numbness, weakness, and sharp pain.
Diabetes can succumb to this, most people with Diabetes that get this is a result from not taking care of themselves….
From not taking care of themselves….
This is what I did not want to face, the truth, my truth, my fault…
I was crushed, struck with guilt, panic, I was devastated!
My Doctor told me not to be hard on myself, that I have made excellent progress the last two years with my health, and it was not all for not, that I can now prevent it from getting worse and there are ways to manage it, to treat it, and I was in the right path already.
I heard her, I heard my Husband’s encouragement, I heard my best friend’s words of love, but the one voice louder than all the rest was my own, and it wasn’t kind. I am often told I am too hard on myself, perhaps I am, but I should of known better!
God didn’t let me dwell in a self hatred lull for long…
He presented a challenge to me…
He asked me to forgive myself…
I was in disbelief…how could I?
Then He reminded me of the day on Calvary when He hung on the Cross to forgive much worse from the world…and immediately I was humbled, and overcome with emotion, tears, and it all led me to letting it go…and I forgave myself.
So in this new territory I still found myself struggling with complete acceptance of things happening to me concerning my health, but then I fell upon Micah Tyler’s song called Different.
Micah begins his song talking at first, He talks about the hardships him and his family are walking through, and how He would pray and ask God to change the things that are going on around him, to stop these storms in his life, but he recognized that Jesus had decided to not do that just yet.
Micah realized that the best question to ask Jesus was not…
Jesus can you change these things?
BUT
God can you change ME so I can handle the things that your walking me through?
This perspective completely helped open my eyes to what I needed to do next…
I needed to ask God that question…
I needed Him to make me different, to change me from the inside out, so I could now handle what He was walking me through.
And when I asked, He answered…the complete acceptance came right away.
I accept that Depression, Diabetes, Fibromyalgia, and Neuropathy are apart of my life, and apart of me…
BUT they do not define me!
Knowing my Identity in Christ has been my anchor, my saving grace.
So when any dark clouds roll in, I hit a wall, when I want to run away into the wilderness, when I’m having a flare up and I feel caged within my body, when I’m on walk and sharp pain shoots up from my feet…
I hear the Father clearly, and I ‘lift myself up off the floor! ‘
“I can’t waste a day, and I can’t stay the same…I want to be different,
I want to be changed, until all of me is gone, and all that remains is a
fire so bright the whole world can see, that there’s something
different, so come and be different…in me! “
(Lyrics from Micah Tyler’s song Different)