Since my last blog entry I have had two more sessions with my therapist, and I have to honestly say it has truly been eye opening, and I am gaining new perspective on myself, my life, and my past.
One thing I have been saying to myself over the years, and recently is:
‘if only I could go back in time and really talk to my younger self…’
It turns out part of my therapy in the next few sessions will be addressing some things concerning my ‘younger self’….
This got me really thinking when I got home the other day from my last session. Realizing this was ‘the next step’ in my path of healing…
…and then I turned to my note book, started to write, and started literally talking to my younger self…
The following is what I had to say to her…
Hello Little One;
You have had alot taken from you haven’t you…your innocence taken quickly, that sparkle in your eyes put out. The one thing you longed for but was denied was the protection and love from your Mother. You need to try to understand she was never capable of giving or showing love to anyone let alone you.
As to why?
She comes from her own broken path, pain, anger, and hatred prevented her from being who you needed.
But there was and is love in your life, God made a way, and He gave you your Nan. He knew you would need a ‘constant lighthouse’ in your life growing up, so He provided. He made sure you had a Grandmother who would love you so unconditionally, a woman who would also be your prayer warrior throughout the darkest of times. He made sure you had a wonderful example of what a Mother’s Love was suppose to be like, and also what an example of ‘Christ’s Love’ for you as well.
I know you feel alone all the time, that there is a certain emptiness within you, just know that you are never alone, God is ever present with you, always right next to you, even when the pain of this darkness around you stings the most.
Know when you find yourself physically and emotionally ‘stuck’ God is right there whispering in your ear:
‘this too shall pass…’
It is just hard to hear Him sometimes over the pain, the rejection, and the sorrow…
There are so many times you have asked…
‘Why does God hate me so much?
Why does He let all these horrible things happen to me?’…
Thing is, He has never hated you, and what has been and will be inflicted on you was never His doing or under His control to stop…….
…..you were and will be a casualty from someone’s sin and past trauma, and that damage path will manifest itself into abuse, abuse unfortunately that you have and will be at the receiving end of.
Know in those moments the Father in Heaven was and is devastated, and He has and will grieve over your suffering.
I realize that most of the time you feel like you are on auto pilot, secretly praying at night for it all to finally be over. But God is carrying you through, remember your Nan, and those continuous prayers, they are being answered, and will continue to be answered as you grow up.
I know there are things you have needed:
Love —> You got Rejection.
A Hug or to be Held —> You got pushed away.
To Feel Safe —> All you felt was Fear of those set to ‘protect’ you.
Acceptance —> You were put down, called names, ridiculed.
A Loving Touch —> You were hit/slapped randomly.
Reassurance —> Uncertainty became your state of being.
To be Cherished —> You were made to feel like you were a mistake, or a burden.
A Voice —> You were told to be seen and not heard, most times asked to be unseen too.
To be Invested in —> You were shoved aside, your potential for the future ignored.
A Mother —> You got a wounded woman, traumatized by her past, and she used you as an outlet for all her anger, hatred, and pain. She did not know how to love herself, how could she ever love you?.
A Father —> Any ‘Father Figure’ placed in your life took it upon themselves to use and abuse you, their past trauma sent a damage path your way, resulting in more suffering.
Out of all of this I have something to tell you…
Prayers will be answered, He has heard you, and will continue to listen to you. He will continue to shine His light upon you, and He will do so in many forms, one being your Nan, her witness, her love will give you moments of Joy to help sustain you. Then in time others will be rays of His Light, Joy, Hope helping to sustain you and to lead you out of the darkness, because He will DELIVER you out of the darkness!
There will be an end to this ‘broken road’, and He will be waiting for you there, His hand stretched out…and when you grasp His hand, He will pull you close into His arms.
He will in that instant give you everything you have always needed…
Love, Safety, Acceptance, Reassurance, A Voice, He will want to Invest in you, for He sees your amazing potential to bring Glory to the His Kingdom, and He will proudly proclaim to the Heavens that you are HIS Daughter! Whom He will Cherish.
In that moment the Unconditional Love He will show you, will fill that emptiness within you and you will be overflowing with Thanksgiving!
Then the time of healing will begin, as it will be necessary, as pain runs deep, and leaving ‘roots under the soil’ will only cause pesky ‘weeds’ to sprout up on your new path.
It is going to seem like a very long, dark night to get to this point Little One, but know you are never alone, and that Dawn is nearing, and indeed:
“Joy Comes in the Morning!”
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.