One Question

“I am a little unstable…
Loose wires always getting tangled now… I am a little bit difficult…

I can be a little self-critical now…
I am a little unable to put all my cards on the table now…
But somehow You’re still with me…”

Lyrics from Love me like I am by For King and Country

Yesterday was a normal day for me, I ventured out with my bestie to do monthly errands, groceries etc. Just her and I, music up and the open road…

And God showed up…

How?

Through one question spoken through my best friend…

Conversations with my best friend are always rich with laughter, love, and this time….honesty…and not just with my honesty….

God was showing up, and wanting me to take notice, he wanted me to face myself…

The question?

“If you were faced with your Mother today what would you say to her?”

I was immediately flustered, my thoughts chaotic, tears welled up in my eyes, and then a slow burning sensation started to rise up within my body…my pulse quickened, and my body felt like it was vibrating inside faster than a hummingbird…

This feeling…..was anger.

All this rose to the surface in a matter of seconds just from me picturing being face to face with my Mother…it was intense…but at the same time I felt God telling me it was necessary…

Sidenote: my bestie is amazing, and she always provides a safe place for me to be raw, vulnerable, and doesn’t ever tell me to shy away from feeling whatever I need to in any given moment, she just is there for me, no judgement, just love, and an ear to listen…

So what did I say? What was my answer?

I struggled at first, my mind was chaotic like I said, I wanted to be organized with my words, but something I have realized is when anger is involved there is always chaos

My words came out like this to my bestie friend in response:

“I would probably shake my head at her in disgust…I’d tell her how are she be given a beautiful gift of a child from God and then actively try to destroy it…I’d yell at her, I’d go on and on about everything she took from me, I would tell her how she abandoned me, rejected me, and how I did not deserve it….and that I could never hurt my children the way she did, that I was not a mistake, and how it wasn’t fair I was treated as such…”

During this anger filled, tear flowing rant my best friend just let me be, she gives me that freedom, and she knew she asked the question, and she knows me, and knows I’d have quite the answer…

I continued…

“….and not only did she take alot away from me, she took away my chance to say goodbye to my Nan, she knew where my husbands Grandmother was, she had her contact information, any normal person would of reached out and given me the chance…but No! And the lies, oh the lies! I would ask her if anything she ever told me was the truth? I would also tell her that I am angry at myself everyday, because I can’t seem to escape some things she has programmed into me, and it makes me question myself as a Mother all the time, and that I strive everyday to make sure I am not like her…and I would tell her that I am fine now, just fine! and it wasn’t because of her! And all I ever wanted was for her to love me for me…”

The whole time my bestie just let me cry and get it all out…there is such freedom in that, and if you have been following along with my blog you know freedom was a foreign thing for me…

As chaotic as my rant was it felt like a giant weight lifted off of me, and it felt good but I was exhausted as well.

The one thing I realized later last night as I lay in my bed reflecting on that moment was one major realization…a two fold realization if you will…

I am not ready to be face to face with my Mother anytime soon, and I have alot of anger built up that I need God’s help with…

He showed up, and he made me face myself, and he met me where I was at…he made sure I was in a safe place, and he walked me through the fire…

Things is what do I do now?

I get to work that is what…I want to get to a place where when I am asked that question again I can say things that my logical side already knows, like:

“…you did what you did because you did not love yourself so how could you ever have loved anything or anyone…you suffered great trauma in your childhood that just hindered you emotionally and you could never get past it, and then you became ill and you changed, you were surviving, and I just happened to be collateral damage as a result, but it is okay because I still made it, I survived, I was saved, and then delivered from all of it, and I forgive you.”

My emotional side is not there yet though, that is where the work comes in, this is where I need to get uncomfortable, I need to walk outside my comfort zone, God will walk through the fire with me, and I come out better on the other side.

And I will know I am better because when faced with that question again there won’t be chaos but there will be a calm peace.