Releasing

2 months have gone by…so much has happened within me…

I have come so far in my journey of healing with God, and one person came into my life recently and it feels like all is being shattered around me, darkness is trying it’s hardest to pull me back to the state of that abused, scared little girl, who always gave in, always said yes, and always forgave, even knowing the cycle of torment she would face over and over again…

I do not regret being more vulnerable, it has been needed, but feeling preyed upon because of such vulnerability really sucks…I always love hard, dive completely in, no hesitation…most times more than naught it pays off, but I had almost forgot that pain cam always be an outcome…

“I used to float, now I just fall down,
I used to know but I’m not sure now,
What I was made for?”

Lyrics from Billie Eilish’s song “What was I made for?”

I let my guard down with someone recently…

This person is so lost, and alone.  She really needs love, acceptance, forgiveness…

Something I sought after in the beginning of my journey, but the difference between her and me is that I wanted help, I am not so sure she does.

I love the way I do because I wasn’t loved in my past by people who should of, I am kind the way I am because I was shown so much cruelty by those same people, and for me currently I am not so sure it is a strength anymore for me.

This person mimics the same behavior as my mother, kind enough to bring me in, she plays on my emotions, then SNAP! she cuts me down to nothing, over and over again and I feel myself being pulled back into that scary feeling of being preyed upon, and when I ask myself in that moment how old do I feel? something my trauma therapist taught me, I find myself saying I feel like I’m that vulnerable little five year old girl who was so scared, who hid under her covers when she heard her mother coming up the stairs.

Then with that I feel anger rise up in my 42 year old body, feelings of injustice for that little girl who only wanted to be held, to feel safe, to be truly loved.  I did not have that, and it really makes me sad, reflecting on it all I often find myself seeing how alone I felt, and then it makes me emotional because I would never let my boys feel that ache.

Thing is the ache still lingers for me at times, a good friend told me recently it was grief, I was confused, and she explained to me I was mourning the loss of what I did not have but was suppose to be, and that is was okay to let the tears flow, to lean into the ache, feel it, and cry out to God to help me walk through it.

I have put boundaries up with this person who is so lost, it pains me inside to do this, I never want anyone to feel that horrible lonely ache, for me I am use to it, not that it is ok to feel use to something so negative, but I feel what I feel at the moment.

I have worked so hard to get to where I am now, I have received so much healng on my journey, but God has also showed me and taught me that painful moments can be turned for His good, and now is that time…

It seems I had been in denial about where I was on my healing journey in regards to my mother, and this experience with this person has shown me that…

So much in these last 2 months has floated to the surface, so much pain, so much sorrow….I have found myself feeling such sadness, I stand in a crowded room and feel like everyone is moving so fast around me and I am stuck…

“When did it end? All the enjoyment? I’m sad again…”

Lyrics from Billie Eilish’s song “What was I made for?”

I cry out to God daily for answers, for help, for ease from this ache inside that makes it hard to even swallow at times…

I am blessed with an amazing family, and I have beautiful, genuine, unconditional friends…

Those friends have children who show such kindness and love to me without hesitation, they accept me, I get mystified by it all, I pray I could see myself the way they all do…

And it does ease the ache at times, to which I am very thankful for, but with that comes moments where I feel it unbearable inside and I am lost again…

“I don’t know how to feel, But someday, I might…”

Lyrics from Billie Eilish’s song “What was I made for?”

But I know now is the time to face my darkness, it is time to face all the trauma with my mother, and it terrifies me, because I have to open some pretty deep wounds, and I have to release that little girl I have been protecting for so long, see I am not ingenuine, but truly there has always been a part of myself I have held back from letting people in to see, it kept me safe…

Such fear has cut a part of me away from God, and it has held me back from what God wants for me, sure I turn my family over to Him, my friends, but only part of me? so foolish of me…good thing He is an understanding Father…

I don’t know how to feel but I want to try to push through this sadness, emptiness, the ache of it all…

I’m 42 and I feel like I have no idea who I am outside of being a daughter of the King, a wife, a mom, a friend…some might say I am just hormonal, and I would agree to a certain degree, but there is a part of me that has been so tied up with protecting myself I got lost on the path trying to find my thing, what I am good at…I dunno…

I am about to navigate new waters, I am scared, but not as scared as I would be if I don’t take this next step in faith.

I have no idea what I will be like on the other side away from all the trauma caused by my mother, I just know it is time to shed these scars across my heart, and only surrendering to God can He who is Sovereign over me heal those scars.

It’s going to take work, true submission…but I am  worth it.

“Think I forgot how to be happy,
Something I’m not, but something I can be,
Something I wait for,
Something I’m made for.”

Lyrics from Billie Eilish’s song “What was I made for?”

Scars

This past week has been rough on me, grant you my birthday was in amidst that week, to which I was loved on, and I am greatful for that, but through the roughness I had a “light bulb” moment. What was it?

I realized exactly when it was that I realized my mother did not love me.

Now some could argue reading past entries that that was quite obvious, and in fact that perhaps right from the beginning of my life she did not love me, and although I agree completely, for me it was always a bit of a question mark until one moment… Dear Mom, It has been 16 years, and although I try my hardest, your never far from my thoughts, much to my dismay. I have been on quite a journey of healing so far. I am often plagued with panic, worry that I will become like you. Being a Mother myself now I find that so much anger rises up inside of me, followed by disapointment when I think about how I was raised. Having my own boys sometimes I can not fathom the why of it? Why throw me away? Shove me to the side? Dismiss the gift God gave you? My earliest memory unfortunately is not a loving one… I remember coming to you for a hug, a loving embrace, reassurance…instead I was met with a literal shove, instant rejection, and then sadness followed by me asking myself what was wrong with me? Still I carried on… Rape at 3 by your brother, you ignored it, placed me in a tub, walked away, again I asked myself…what was wrong with me? Looking at you the wrong way was met with physical retaliation, again I asked myself…what was wrong with me? Preyed upon by your new husband, you ignored it, when he called me hot you blamed me, it was that day I felt the sting of the fly swatter, again I asked myself what was wrong with me? I even turned to cutting, and then attempted suicide, when I woke up in the hospital for a second I thought I had woken up from a bad dream, and finally you would embrace me, but I was met with ridicule, disgust, and disapointment, and again I asked myself what was wrong with me? I continued to hold out hope, hope that one day you would wake up and realize how much you loved me… …sadly that day would never come. The moment I realized you didn’t love me, and would never love me was when I was 15. It was the first time I ran away, a few months after my suicide attempt. I was sitting in a room at the police station, I had previously given them a statement over the phone about all of the sexual abuse I had endured at the hands of your husband. I had been brought in, and they had you come in as well. I was filled with hope, hope that once you knew the truth about him you would rescue me, declare your love for me, protect me, and finally it would all be over and we could begin a new life, the life I had always dreamed of. But what happened next was my worst nightmare… They brought you into the room, you sat about ten feet away from me, and then they handed you a copy of my statement to read… I watched as you read, you began to shake your head in disagreement, tears falling, I thought for sure you would stand up for me, embrace me…instead you slammed the paper down on the table next to you and glared at me. The officer then excused herself to go get something, and the terror ripped through me as I was left alone with you. Then you spoke… Do you remember what you said? Because I have never forgotten…

“You better fix this you little bitch! You are a liar! After everything he has done for us, well I will chose him a hundred times over you!…”

That for me was the moment I realized you never loved me, and would never love me. It was in that moment I shut myself off. It was the loneliest I have ever felt in my whole life, even as I think back on it now. And then in the midst of my nightmare I still wanted to make it all better for you, and when the officer came back I told her I made it all up…as I spoke it didn’t feel real, it didn’t even feel like it was me talking, and you sat behind the officer with a grin on your face. I was never the same after that day, and for a long time after I rejected hope, because when I had hoped before it only brought me disapointment and pain, and it was much easier to be numb and shut off. The beauty in all this is that God had a plan, and instead of letting it defeat me, end me, I took it and vowed to be everything you weren’t. And now being as old as I am and with the road of healing I have been on, I can now step back and see that the way you were was a result of your past trauma, and abuse you endured. You were not capable of loving me, yourself, or anyone. I have two boys whom I love fiercely, and they are not deprived of love, acceptance, or hope. I broke the pattern of abuse, it ended with me. All by the grace of God. You know I still find myself missing you sometimes, but then I realize I am missing the Mother I wanted you to be, but never were. I am thankful God has been able to show me the bigger picture of it all, not that it codones what was done to me, but it helps me understand the why of it all more, and it helps me understand that there was never anything wrong with me, but more what you had walked through before me that made you so broken, and unable to give me what I needed. So this is me making peace with some of the scars of my past. Yours in Peace with Christ, Your Daughter.

” I am thankful for the scars, cause without them I wouldn’t know your heart, and I know they will always tell of who you are…”

Lyrics from the song ‘ Scars’ by I AM THEY.

Damaged Roots

“It’s amazing that You can love me like I am,
And even when I can’t you still love me as I am,
Oh, I don’t know how You do it and I know I put You through it
Yeah, it’s amazing that You can love me like I am…”

Lyrics from ‘Love me Like I am’ by For King and Country.

The past two months have indeed been eye opening…

This journey I have been on to healing has been a gaunlet of challenges, struggles, and revelations….beautiful revelations, to which I am blessed and thankful for…but sometimes the in between, the valley….well it can take it’s toll…

…but the revelations are worth it…to walk through the fire and come out the other side more refined as the Father intends it, to stay focussed on Him and only Him in the midst of the raging storm all around me, and the waves are not calming down any time soon…

…and that is okay….really, it doesn’t get me down like it use to, it all reminds me that when I was a toddler I had to crawl before I could learn to walk, and it didn’t all happen in an instant, it took time, patience, and I did fall down at first…

About a month ago I found myself in a circle of women, we were all sharing our brokeness, and at times in the past I had kept it surface level, but when I opened up my mouth to speak reality came rushing in…

…prior to this meeting I had been talking about how I apologize all the time, and I have mentioned this before to others and laughed it off saying “I was so very Canadian” but this time it bothered me inside, caused me to get quiet and reflect, and when it was my turn to speak, reality came rushing forward and it all hit me at once with no warning….

My eyes welled up with tears as I was realizing the following all at once in that very moment…

I apologize alot, because I apologize for my very existence.

As the tears fell and I spoke of this it felt so overwhelming, like someone punched me in the stomach…memories of so many times my mother pushed me away, so many times when I was a little girl I would reach out just wanting to be loved but just felt like a burden…and as I grew up how I constantly felt like I was a mistake, and if I just faded away I could make everyone happy…

…it was like a poison infecting my roots slowly for so many years, it became apart of me that I could not see how wrong it was, how it was poisoning me, hindering my grow, my healing, it had crippled me for so long…

My friend who was amongst these women said that as I started to speak she could see this breakthough unravel in real time across my face…

….to be honest I was so overwhelmed with this realization and emotions that I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I know I shared what I had just realized…and that God was being very clear that this was a lie I had believed for too long, because He created me, and He doesn’t regret what He creates.

For days after when I hiked I would reflect on this, God showing me memories of me constantly saying “sorry” and He taught me this initially started out as a trauma response, a form of protecting myself, and it got so ingrained in me that I instinctually felt that I had to apologize to anyone who came in to contact with me, it became a shield, a habit, and it detoured me from using the shield that is more important and that is my Father in Heaven!

Now I would like to say that I don’t apologize anymore in that way, but I can’t, it is going to take time to deprogram myself, this poison was put into me for 40 years, it unless the Father decides will not go away over night, and I think God knows that I need to walk softly, slowly, and heal over time, it is not always about the arrival, sometimes it is about the journey getting there!

And I am okay with that, sometimes I take the long way around and there are going to be many lessons along the way, the difference now is when I start to apologize for anything I will be able to differentiate whether it is because I am responding genuinely, that I did something that warrants an apology or I am merely responding because I am feeling like a burden and I am reacting from that trauma response cycle.

In the meantime God will show me love, kindness, and mercy, He will walk through this fire with me, He will be my shield, and He will see me through to the other side, and I will surrender to His will for me and wherever He leads me on this journey.

“When the days up ahead look a little bit brighter,
But the grip of the past holds a little bit tighter…
I’m reminded Your grace never asks for perfection…”

Lyrics from ‘Even Then’ by Micah Tyler.