Releasing

2 months have gone by…so much has happened within me…

I have come so far in my journey of healing with God, and one person came into my life recently and it feels like all is being shattered around me, darkness is trying it’s hardest to pull me back to the state of that abused, scared little girl, who always gave in, always said yes, and always forgave, even knowing the cycle of torment she would face over and over again…

I do not regret being more vulnerable, it has been needed, but feeling preyed upon because of such vulnerability really sucks…I always love hard, dive completely in, no hesitation…most times more than naught it pays off, but I had almost forgot that pain cam always be an outcome…

“I used to float, now I just fall down,
I used to know but I’m not sure now,
What I was made for?”

Lyrics from Billie Eilish’s song “What was I made for?”

I let my guard down with someone recently…

This person is so lost, and alone.  She really needs love, acceptance, forgiveness…

Something I sought after in the beginning of my journey, but the difference between her and me is that I wanted help, I am not so sure she does.

I love the way I do because I wasn’t loved in my past by people who should of, I am kind the way I am because I was shown so much cruelty by those same people, and for me currently I am not so sure it is a strength anymore for me.

This person mimics the same behavior as my mother, kind enough to bring me in, she plays on my emotions, then SNAP! she cuts me down to nothing, over and over again and I feel myself being pulled back into that scary feeling of being preyed upon, and when I ask myself in that moment how old do I feel? something my trauma therapist taught me, I find myself saying I feel like I’m that vulnerable little five year old girl who was so scared, who hid under her covers when she heard her mother coming up the stairs.

Then with that I feel anger rise up in my 42 year old body, feelings of injustice for that little girl who only wanted to be held, to feel safe, to be truly loved.  I did not have that, and it really makes me sad, reflecting on it all I often find myself seeing how alone I felt, and then it makes me emotional because I would never let my boys feel that ache.

Thing is the ache still lingers for me at times, a good friend told me recently it was grief, I was confused, and she explained to me I was mourning the loss of what I did not have but was suppose to be, and that is was okay to let the tears flow, to lean into the ache, feel it, and cry out to God to help me walk through it.

I have put boundaries up with this person who is so lost, it pains me inside to do this, I never want anyone to feel that horrible lonely ache, for me I am use to it, not that it is ok to feel use to something so negative, but I feel what I feel at the moment.

I have worked so hard to get to where I am now, I have received so much healng on my journey, but God has also showed me and taught me that painful moments can be turned for His good, and now is that time…

It seems I had been in denial about where I was on my healing journey in regards to my mother, and this experience with this person has shown me that…

So much in these last 2 months has floated to the surface, so much pain, so much sorrow….I have found myself feeling such sadness, I stand in a crowded room and feel like everyone is moving so fast around me and I am stuck…

“When did it end? All the enjoyment? I’m sad again…”

Lyrics from Billie Eilish’s song “What was I made for?”

I cry out to God daily for answers, for help, for ease from this ache inside that makes it hard to even swallow at times…

I am blessed with an amazing family, and I have beautiful, genuine, unconditional friends…

Those friends have children who show such kindness and love to me without hesitation, they accept me, I get mystified by it all, I pray I could see myself the way they all do…

And it does ease the ache at times, to which I am very thankful for, but with that comes moments where I feel it unbearable inside and I am lost again…

“I don’t know how to feel, But someday, I might…”

Lyrics from Billie Eilish’s song “What was I made for?”

But I know now is the time to face my darkness, it is time to face all the trauma with my mother, and it terrifies me, because I have to open some pretty deep wounds, and I have to release that little girl I have been protecting for so long, see I am not ingenuine, but truly there has always been a part of myself I have held back from letting people in to see, it kept me safe…

Such fear has cut a part of me away from God, and it has held me back from what God wants for me, sure I turn my family over to Him, my friends, but only part of me? so foolish of me…good thing He is an understanding Father…

I don’t know how to feel but I want to try to push through this sadness, emptiness, the ache of it all…

I’m 42 and I feel like I have no idea who I am outside of being a daughter of the King, a wife, a mom, a friend…some might say I am just hormonal, and I would agree to a certain degree, but there is a part of me that has been so tied up with protecting myself I got lost on the path trying to find my thing, what I am good at…I dunno…

I am about to navigate new waters, I am scared, but not as scared as I would be if I don’t take this next step in faith.

I have no idea what I will be like on the other side away from all the trauma caused by my mother, I just know it is time to shed these scars across my heart, and only surrendering to God can He who is Sovereign over me heal those scars.

It’s going to take work, true submission…but I am  worth it.

“Think I forgot how to be happy,
Something I’m not, but something I can be,
Something I wait for,
Something I’m made for.”

Lyrics from Billie Eilish’s song “What was I made for?”