Lighthouse

I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Philippians 1:6)

….it was a cool May evening, we dined, celebrated, I can almost still hear you laughing…you hugged me tightly, pulling me down into your neck…squeezed me…I can still remember how you smelled…sigh…when we went to pull away you first held my face in front of yours, smiled, and told me how proud you were of me and how much you loved me…to which I told you how much I loved you, and then we parted ways in the parking lot…

I did not know then that that would be the last time we would see each other…

I have been running from this ‘letter’…scared, afraid of facing the hard truths…but you would want me to walk through this fire, you would tell me it was necessary, painful but needed if I was going to be the woman God has always intended for me to be.

So here goes…

Dear Nan,

It has been 16 years since we held that final embrace in the parking lot after celebrating Mother’s Day together.

I have gone over it in my head so many times, wondering if I missed a sign from God that my path was going to abruptly change so much that one of the costs would be you.

I didn’t know that in just three months from that day I would be faced with a choice…a choice to finally stand up to my abusers, to finally put an end to the nightmare I had been subjected to for 24 years.

In doing so….led to freedom for me, but I paid a price, and that was you. I didn’t know that in standing up and claiming the freedom that was rightfully mine that in turn my Mother would then stand between us and essentially give you an impossible choice to make…

Circumstances such as your age, your frailty, your health, and your needs are what made it an impossible choice…and you chose…sigh…

…and my heart shattered, but I understood all too well how my Mother, your daughter was, so I painfully accepted it.

I walked away completely, I thought I was protecting you from consequences from her if I reached out…

As the years started to pass I was faced with the hard truth that I was not going to see you again on this side of Heaven, but I clung to hope that atleast we were going to the same destination once death claimed us…but if I am honest…I mean really honest I secretly and desperately hoped you and I would see each other again.

You were never far from my thoughts, never really, everything you taught me about our loving Father in Heaven always rung in my ears, knowing you were out there praying for me, I felt it…

Then unbeknownst to me…

August 23, 2016 I woke up feeling such sadness, I couldn’t understand why?

I wouldn’t be until 5 months later I would discover that that morning you went home to our Heavenly Father…and in that moment a part of me died…and I have not been the same since…

…my heart knew that day, our bond was so strong even after all those years, and God was trying to tell me…

In these past six years since then I have been called to walk through some fires, to be refined, to seek healing, to really achieve freedom, the freedom that you spoke of many times…

I have been called to face some hard truths, to finally step out of denial about some things from my past, and I have been doing that, but when it came to you, I couldn’t go there, in my mind if I did I would disrespect you…but it is necessary…

….why didn’t you you fight for me? Chose me?

I mean I understand why, but at the same time that little girl who you held so closely on your lap rocking her back and forth singing to, loving on, she wants to know why she wasn’t worth it?

Was it my fault? Was I the coward? Should I have fought? Was I weak?

I could go on and on, but I know I will never know the answer to these emotional questions…what I do know is we are not perfect, and as you always said to me…

“…we are not perfect, if we were perfect then we would be Jesus Christ, and we are far from that, we are called to be Christ like not Christ Himself…”

You made your choices and I made mine, and I need to stop believing you were perfect, we inperfect people, and finally admitting this does not diminish who you were, or how you impacted my life…

…and you did impact my life.

It is now in my adult life, and with some serius healing and deliverance from some past traumas that I can look back now and see that God knew what lay ahead of me when He created me, He knew I would need a “lighthouse“in my life….

He knew the darkness that was waiting to engulf me, so He made sure I was going to be your grand daughter, He knew you would shine His amazing light on my life, that you would love me so unconditionally, and that you would sew seeds into my heart…you helped ready the harvest…

I am so blessed and thankful that God loved me so much He made a way for me, thought of me, and made sure I would not be alone in the dark.

You were such a beautiful witness of what it meant to be humble, kind, and faithful…if I had of been able to be there in your final moments, I would of simply said…

“…well done good and faithful servant…”

I have so many loving memories with you, sitting in your lap, you singing to me as you rocked me back and forth, cloud watching, watching you do your devotionals…but one stands out from the rest…

I was just a child, playing by myself in the back yard and it began to rain, I closed my eyes, and just stood there by myself…and suddenly I felt someone grab my hand and it startled me…it was you…I said to you “I thought I was alone…” to which you smiled and replied “you are never alone, no matter how much the storm rages on”, and then we both just stood there in the pouring rain, eyes closed, holding hands.

Those words were burned into my heart, and bring me hope everyday.

I miss you with every breath I take, I will carry you in my heart always.

Until we meet again on Heaven’s shore…

Oh what a reunion that will be!

Yours in Christ, Your Grand Daughter.

“…as the thunder rolls I barely hear Your whisper through the rain “I’m with you”, and as Your mercy falls I’ll raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away…”

Lyrics from the song “Praise You on this Storm” by Casting Crowns